How to Pick Up Portland Girls

No, I have not jumped from the Good Ship Hetero. But I don't have any advice on picking up Portland boys and I am, above all other things, an observer. As an observer, I feel like I have witnessed my fair share of courtship in the wild and I feel like I can provide some really valuable pointers here. This is obviously not a comprehensive list, I imagine this to be an ongoing thing. I am compiling data. It's science.

Brooding and back from abroad: Yeah, this book that I'm reading is not an English book. It's actually a book written in Spanish. Yes. Yes, I read things in Spanish. I used to be a single-language person like yourself but then I went abroad. As in, I roamed another country on my motorcycle and used sign language and broken English to gather food, alcohol, and vague directions to tourist attractions. Yes, it was an amazing life-changing experience. My favorite memory? Oh, I don't know. There were so many. It was so wonderful and foreign. Why did I bring this book into a bar on a Friday night? Well, that's pretty obvious. To pick up girls.

Jukebox hero: What you choose on the jukebox is critical to the type of female you want to attract. If you are looking for slightly crazy and willing to shotgun a beer with you, then by all means play Holy Diver. If you are looking for classy with a slightly better record collection than yourself, I would go with some soul or perhaps something bluesy, Sam Cooke or The Animals. No Collective Soul or Live unless you are looking to reel in someone from Beaverton.

Moneybags: Seriously. Buy the lady a drink. I know this doesn't happen because everyone is unemployed and worse than that: cheap, but buying someone a drink is a nice thing to do and it means you get to talk to your victim for at least five minutes or so. Buying said drink may illicit a confused response but this is only because the lady in question has not had a drink purchased for her the entire time she has lived in Portland. In fact, the five minute rule probably doesn't even apply here. I wouldn't be surprised if she stayed by your side all night in the hopes of having yet another drink purchased for her. She would probably go home with you on principal. I don't know, I haven't seen it in practice because drink-buying chivalry is dead in this town.