August 23, 2011

Travel Tips for the Discerning Couple

Sam and I had a really amazing vacation. We got along really well, we did a lot of fun activities, we ate a lot of cheese and chocolate pastries, and Sam is now blond due to all the time we spent on the beach. However, on our last morning in our apartment in Barcelona, we began to recap our impressions of the trip. Sam said that we were "traveling as a couple" experts and should probably write a guide book. I snorted and rolled my eyes. And then IT began. We alternated giving our own versions of travel advice, moving farther and farther from any hope of civility. Our travel companion Gibbons was pretty convinced we were about to break up, while we laughed hysterically with each retort.

1. Remember, this trip won't be about what you want to do, it will be about what your boyfriend wants to do. Prepare to give up all your hopes and dreams.

2. Realize that it's okay to go to bed angry.

3. Rest assured, anything you didn't plan will be a total shitshow. Remind yourself to take it in stride.

4. Remember to bring extra warm clothing, because let's be honest, your girlfriend won't.

5. Be prepared to live on baguette and coffee. You won't be able to eat at the places you want to eat because your boyfriend won't have any money. Convince yourself that budget meals are part of the travel experience. 

6. Remember, as the male and natural caregiver, you won't have any money because you will pay for everything.

7. Maintain a straight face while telling your boyfriend that he looks great in his new spanish suspenders.

8. Be prepared to experience the full effect of your girlfriend's bowel movements.

9. Resign yourself to spending a large amount of your trip being lost, as your boyfriend won't be able to read a map. Try not to question his manhood.

9. Prior to your trip, spend some extra time at the gym. This trip is not about seeing the sights, it's about being your girlfriend's bellboy.

10. Perfect the "block and sweep" to ward off unwanted advances . . . from your boyfriend.

11. Accept that it's your fault when your girlfriend drops a pocketful of belongings, including a pocketknife you bought in France, onto a group of tourists in the street six stories below.

12. When you go surfing in southern France, try to come to terms with the fact that your boyfriend will have no idea you were caught in a rip for 20 minutes and almost drowned because he will be too busy surfing. When he asks if you saw him catch that awesome wave, resist the urge to punch him.

13. Realize that the knife debacle was not an isolated incident. Don't let your girlfriend hold your camera while standing on a raised walkway at the dinosaur exhibit.

14. When you feel like talking, your boyfriend will want to sleep. When you are tired and want to sit in silence, your boyfriend will want to talk.

15. Sometimes it's best to end long vacations with separate flights.


Kyle said...

Well finally. As I well know, these and many more are rules to live by when traveling with a significant other. Some of mine and Emily's include:

1. Try and not smash the car through the guardrail while the girlfriend sings off tune to pop music favorites such as Pink or Katy Perry.

2. Accept the fact that the boyfriend wants to get up at obscenely early hours while on vacation and cannot sit still for more than 10 minutes.

3. No matter what, there will be a point where you question yourself on really choosing this person to be a traveling companion and wondering just what the fuck is wrong with yourself for doing so.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so glad you are back.

Gabe Rodriguez said...

This IS the funniest thing I have read all year. Every word oozes with snide honesty. I love you, Rachel.

Heidi said...

I have missed you both. Welcome home.

colleen k.d. said...

You just made my saturday at work. um thank you for #14 and #10. i have to pee now, laughing too much.

Alex Stoltze said...

Perfect post! I had to check it out after you told me about it on Sunday morning. It was great seeing you!

Rachel Wrong said...

Alex! Great to see you too. Thank you all for your warm comments. I'm glad to know this resonates with everyone and I'm not the only person who has experienced the various joys of traveling with a significant other.