Happy Holidays!

Oh my. In the spirit of giving, I certainly can't keep this treasure to myself. I found this post on The Hairpin. Weird arts-and-crafts, Christmas decorations, and the mysterious behavior of the elderly. Also, there is a Flickr set you can scroll through to see all of them. Christmas decorations are the best.

photo

I can't wait to go to my parents' house and bask in the festive glow. At my house, we usually get one or two new ornaments a year. There are a lot of classics, but my favorites (in terms of weirdness) are the homemade abominations that I made as a child. One of the strangest is this clear plastic lid with a bunch of glitter and tinsel melted to it. That was a school project. Another is a heart with my photo on it and the date that I oh-so-dyslexically threw on there (the nines look like p's). We are against ornament discrimination at my house. There is a huge array of creatures, styles, and random objects. We have a bunch of really, really old glass items from my dad's childhood, and his favorite: a little brass horse. My brother's tend to be lizard or reptile-themed, and we still put the little McDonald's happy meal toys on the tree (they were Disney character ornaments that probably sang songs at some point). Our tree is a hodgepodge but it is always a thing of glittering beauty, especially if you stand a few feet back. Around the rest of the house, there are assorted homemade swags, wreaths, and of course, my mother's Santa Claus collection. At some point, my mom began a Santa Claus collection and it really took off. It was like they were multiplying in the night. They always stood on the entertainment center around Christmas time in their varied, jolly bearded glory and when I was younger I used to play with them and organize Santa conventions. As you do.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday time with family and friends, and find a good way to bring in the new year. I'm convinced 2012 is going to be especially good.

Oh and by the way

I shaved some of my head the other day! It's great. Expect more of that in the future. A week ago I had a dream in which Caitlin told me that she wanted to shave her head, but it was absolutely necessary that I do it too. I'm not saying that's why I did it, but as I thought about it, that definitely helped sway me. I have also been having dreams about playing the accordion, riding horses, and hanging out with Obama. All good things.

Finally!

I know that most of you are bummed that rain is back in Portland. I'm sorry, but I'm not. I owe this sentiment to two things. One, this means that snow should start falling on the mountain. This means that snowboarding will actually be fun. The second reason? Those babies right up there. Bass Hespers. I should be a spokesperson.

I got them a couple weeks ago and then it dried out and got sunny and I have just been dying to wear them. You remember how it felt when you went school shopping and bought new jeans and new novelty sweatshirts and brand-new 96-crayon packs with a million colors and perfect tips? While you didn't entirely want school to start, you kind of did because it meant you would finally be able to break out your new treasures.

Well that's how I feel. I wore them today and they are glorious.

AWESOME Gift Guide

So, after Kyle Arthur's wedding, a bunch of of us went back to our apartment. Sam had to break in through the window because he forgot his keys, we brought the leftover kegs in, and we were supposed to like, keep the party going, but that kind of fizzled after about ten minutes and then we were just hanging out. I put on The Last Unicorn (one of my favorite movies in the world) and there was even a redheaded guy hanging out who I didn't know or really notice. A few weeks later he confronted me at The Woodsman Tavern (great new restaurant on Division!) and was like, " Weren't you in Kyle's wedding? I watched The Last Unicorn at your apartment."

Eventually we got hungry. We decided to order pizza. And for some reason, we made Alexa do it. She was one of the least sober and throughout this conversation with the pizza guy she kept saying, "Yes! Yes! I want the AWESOME crust. Yes to AWESOME crust." And we really didn't know what to think and some of us kind of thought that maybe she wasn't really talking to anyone and the pizza would never come. But it did! And it was awesome! Apparently AWESOME crust is a real thing. It involves a dusting of garlic salt and herbs, I think.

Anyway, whenever I say or think the word "awesome" now, I think about Alexa and the AWESOME crust. And in my head I say it like that in all caps. I have been perusing various gift guides on the internet and have selected the most AWESOME things that I have seen. Get these for somebody in your life. Or maybe just yourself.

Lomokino Camera
This is truly awesome. Johanna (look at her great blog) got this for her boyfriend and I am totally jealous.You can make instantly classic videos with 35mm film. It just looks like so much fun.

Pocket Piano
A mini-synth for the musical person in your life. Infinitely cooler than the annoying Ipad app.

Polaroid Camera
 Classic and fun and the sort of thing that you don't go out and buy for yourself, because you already have a serviceable  digital camera, but let's be honest. If you had a polaroid camera you would end using it all the time instead of your boring digital camera. You can get the new school version, or a refurbished old one.

Redwood Forest
Tiny trees? Not only tiny trees, but a species that was thought extinct and was recently discovered in China? Truly wonderful. And good for the air.

Friday Morning

I've been on this health kick and part of that involves finding inspiration for maintaining said health kick. So I'm eating my toast and burnt coffee this morning, flipping through this magazine and this fitness guru is all, "Get up and do something for you every morning. Even if you can't work out, you should get up and do some situps and whatnot." And I'm thinking, Yeah. Yeah! I can do that. On the tail of my elation comes the realization that such things are impossible. They are probably possible for some people, but not for me. The only consistency to my mornings are the tornado-like force of my attempts to get out the door and go to work. Take today for example:

6:45: Sam wakes me up.

6:45-7:00: I lie in bed. I tell myself that I am trying to remember my dreams and this is very important to my creativity and general well-being, but really, I'm just lying in bed.

7:00: I actually get out of bed. This happens incrementally. I have various pieces of clothing lying next to the bed so that I can put them on without getting out from under the covers. I do this and then I get up. I do not make the bed.

7:10: I walk to the gym. It's freezing. I wake up every morning with the goal of going to the gym before work (because I never go after work) and then I set my alarm for later and burrow under the covers because it's very dark and it's very cold and surely I will make myself go after work. But not today! Today I go.

7:15: There is a huge RV painted like a energy drink can in front of the gym. Are there touring Extreme Racquetball teams? It appears so. The gym is incredibly crowded for some reason. There are three different trainers taking clients around and this group of guys doing synchronized jumping jack/push up/weight lift routines. I glower at everyone and do a smattering of light exercise: few minutes on the rower, some bicep curls and whatnot. Then I shower and go home.

8:00: There is nothing to eat. I have one piece of sourdough toast and the heel of a loaf of wheat bread. The heel is small. It burns and shrivels up into this little black fungus-looking thing. The coffee is burnt as well. I read the fitness magazine from 2007 to get inspiration for my day.

8:20: I planned my outfit the night before (to save time), so this will be quick and easy. I just need some black tights. I have a bag full of tights in the closet which I blindly root around in for awhile before taking it and dumping it out on the bed in desperation. I have two brown pairs, one grey pair, various striped pairs, one navy pair, and various fishnets. None of these are black. This is shocking. I will have to wear the stupid thigh high pair. It turns out I only have one of these.

8:35: The outfit has to change. I go through the whole process again. I pick out shoes. I brush my teeth, makeup, etc.

8:50: I have to wear different shoes. I can only find one of those. I run around the house frantically, unevenly, because I'm only wearing one shoe.

8:55: Shoes on. Can't find my keys.

8:58: Keys are in the bowl. I lock up, run out, and grab my bike. The house looks like it has been ransacked.

I'm curious. Who out there has a morning routine?

Christmas Came Early!

Oddly reminiscent of the cacophony of sound pouring out the pachinko parlors, I have found my favorite video of 2011. This comes to us from Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, the new queen of Jpop (japenese pop for you rookies). Her first hit was Pon Pon Pon, released in July. Apparently Fred Durst is a fan? That's how you know she's good. Sidenote, she's also a purveyor of fake eyelashes (which may or may not be promoted in this video. That's for you to decide). Look out for the maximum awesome past the two-minute mark. 

The Anti-Gift Guide

I have been deep in the depths of holiday gift planning/buying/pondering. It's a big deal. How do you say "I love you and I think you're awesome" to all the various people in your life without bouncing your rent check and beginning the year with a cup o' noodles and a forty of malt liquor? That's a different post. Today I would like to talk about revenge. No need to ignore your enemies during the holidays, you might as well remind them of your presence with a gift wrapped in shiny paper. Take advantage of Christmas this year and show them how you really feel.

Coal: Cliché, yes. But it's also an old classic. Christmas is a time of tradition.

Blankets Stewed in Disease: Also a classic. Not only are you referencing our illustrious history as a nation, but here in Portland people would be overjoyed to receive a new Pendleton blanket. Bonus if they post a photo of themselves running around a meadow wrapped up in said blanket before meeting their demise.

Novelty Gifts: These are in every Goodwill. They are left over from Christmases past. They are waiting like bombs to be opened. Bad paintings of odd subjects, computers from 1990, those Trolls with gems in their stomach, Billy Bob the Singing Bass (I unwittingly selected this from the prize pile at the pig roast and now will own Billy Bob forever. Sam made him sing for me this morning. It truly is torture), strange objects made for tourists out of shells, odd figurines, etc.

Everyday Items: On an ordinary day, you might be pleased if someone walked up and gave you a wastepaper basket, a can of tuna fish, or a container of dishwashing fluid. On Christmas, when it's wrapped in nice paper, it's heartbreaking.

Ill-timed Jabs: Did this person recently get dumped? You should give them a "Cooking for One" cookbook. Are they unemployed? A briefcase. Overweight? One of those mini trampolines. The list goes on. Be creative.

The Ultimate: I'm not sure it gets worse than this: a used personal effect. A friend of mine once received a used tube of lipstick. So shocking. I think it could be worse though. What about used white cotton tube socks?

The worst for me was probably the Barbie tent I received when I was 10 or so. Even if I had any interest in getting inside of a Barbie tent, I was too large to fit inside it.

What's the worst gift you've ever received? The best?

Goldrush

I attended a holiday party last Friday that was completely bedazzled by characters in gold lamé. It was wonderful. I mean, really, nothing says holiday like gold lamé. I used to have an aversion to gold and would only wear silver jewelery. Somewhere in the past year or so, I've done a 180, not unlike my sudden discovery and love for navy blue. Here are some gilded things to brighten your Monday. I'm certainly in need of some brightness.

1. Le Sportsac (zany) 2. Nixon watch  (ballin') 3. Bass Weejuns, Classic shape in limited edition Gold!

Funday Friday

Did you guys ever see this? Hermes show from the fall? I meant to share it ages ago but never did. So here you go. Magical, no?

I don't know if you ever play this game, but when I'm walking around in the woods I usually end up discussing what type of Tolkien character I would be. I grew up reading The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings books obsessively, and naturally I like to imagine that I too could be some Middle Earth character frolicking around in the woods. I like to think that I would be an elf. I would carry around a bow and arrow (see above), wear various leather things, and have a pet hawk on my shoulder. When my friends (and boyfriend) are feeling like total jerks, they tell me I would be a hobbit. Or worse, a dwarf.