December 7, 2011

The Anti-Gift Guide

I have been deep in the depths of holiday gift planning/buying/pondering. It's a big deal. How do you say "I love you and I think you're awesome" to all the various people in your life without bouncing your rent check and beginning the year with a cup o' noodles and a forty of malt liquor? That's a different post. Today I would like to talk about revenge. No need to ignore your enemies during the holidays, you might as well remind them of your presence with a gift wrapped in shiny paper. Take advantage of Christmas this year and show them how you really feel.

Coal: Cliché, yes. But it's also an old classic. Christmas is a time of tradition.

Blankets Stewed in Disease: Also a classic. Not only are you referencing our illustrious history as a nation, but here in Portland people would be overjoyed to receive a new Pendleton blanket. Bonus if they post a photo of themselves running around a meadow wrapped up in said blanket before meeting their demise.

Novelty Gifts: These are in every Goodwill. They are left over from Christmases past. They are waiting like bombs to be opened. Bad paintings of odd subjects, computers from 1990, those Trolls with gems in their stomach, Billy Bob the Singing Bass (I unwittingly selected this from the prize pile at the pig roast and now will own Billy Bob forever. Sam made him sing for me this morning. It truly is torture), strange objects made for tourists out of shells, odd figurines, etc.

Everyday Items: On an ordinary day, you might be pleased if someone walked up and gave you a wastepaper basket, a can of tuna fish, or a container of dishwashing fluid. On Christmas, when it's wrapped in nice paper, it's heartbreaking.

Ill-timed Jabs: Did this person recently get dumped? You should give them a "Cooking for One" cookbook. Are they unemployed? A briefcase. Overweight? One of those mini trampolines. The list goes on. Be creative.

The Ultimate: I'm not sure it gets worse than this: a used personal effect. A friend of mine once received a used tube of lipstick. So shocking. I think it could be worse though. What about used white cotton tube socks?

The worst for me was probably the Barbie tent I received when I was 10 or so. Even if I had any interest in getting inside of a Barbie tent, I was too large to fit inside it.

What's the worst gift you've ever received? The best?

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