How to Pick Up Portland Girls X

I went to New York last weekend and it was glorious. There is nothing like a long weekend to ward off the impending doom of winter doldrums. While I was there, I basked in the differences of the coasts, the odd sartorial choices of stray dogs, the neverending food and drink opportunities, and the slightly more aggressive path that East coast males feel obligated to take. I have a single friend there; we went out to bars and talked about various dating disasters and feelings and all that shit. Along the way I had some epiphanies.

Be a Metal Guy: Somewhere between the Bushwick Social Club and Ontario (Canada-themed bar, woodsy is in) I had an epiphany. My friend should be dating a metal guy. Metal guys are awesome. They always have been. Remember? While some of you were busy being dorks in thin cotton turtle necks and Charlotte Hornets starter jackets and playing Nerf football, the metal guys were wearing their black t-shirts covered with horrifying things under a sheepskin lined denim jacket and scratching band insignia into their binders with a protractor. They can play instruments, they have an encyclopedic memory of bands and rock history, and they will never make you listen to some song that they made using an Ipad app. 

The more I pushed this epiphany on my friend, the more I convinced her and myself. Metal guys are dorks but in an awesome, unselfconscious way. They don't like a band because it's cool, they like it because it rocks. They are loyal. They don't jump on bandwagons. They have nice hair. We went to a rock show on Saturday night and my friend was impressed by the amount of guys present, though the cute baby-faced one did turn out to be a girl. Either way, the crowd showed a refreshing enthusiasm that has been missing since dudes stopped dancing and started perfecting the toe tap. Metal guys will always have my vote.

Get Aggressive: West coast guys could learn something from East coast guys. I'm not saying you should try on some sort of Jersey Shore affectation, but there was a refreshing amount of eye contact in the bars. A random sidewalk approach even occurred, which obviously, was spurned but represented a determination that is sorely lacking here in the land of pines and rain. Let's be honest. People go to bars to meet other people. I'm not sure why, because it appears to be practically impossible, but when one is single, one goes to bars and looks around and hopes there is someone there who finds them attractive and loves kittens, gluten-free beer and dead-stock Levis as much as they do. Stop pretending you don't want to meet a lovely lady at the bar, make actual eye contact with someone, and maybe try to chat with her.

Try the Internet: Not just for sexual predators and women who are obsessed with marriage, cats, and long walks on the beach. Apparently everyone is doing it. There is no shame in internet dating. It may in fact be the dating mechanism of the future, and someday people will feel awkward and embarrassed when telling the story of how they met on a ferry when her hat flew off and hit him in the face. Not convinced? I know someone who is dating an attractive stripper. This happened via a popular free online dating service. Seriously. It doesn't mean you're ugly and desperate, it just means you want to date someone.

Dos and Don'ts of Backpacking with your Significant Other

Sam and I hiked up to Santiam Lake last weekend. It was our first backpacking trip as a couple and really couldn't have gone better. However, like any new experience, it will provide a template for our next attempt. Some things were perfect and some things could use some adjustment. 

Do: Wake up at 5:00. Start out the morning with coffee and toast. Read your boyfriend the Savage Love column when it is particularly shocking.

Don't: Forget to change to your tail light. You will be pulled over on I-5 and almost have a heart attack. 

Do: Make sure you know where you're going.

Don't: Forget your notebook/sketchpad/directions in the car.

Do: Find the perfect walking stick.

Don't: Decide to pee behind a tree at the exact moment some hikers are coming around the bend. Stopping midstream is uncomfortable for you, plus the hikers will feel awkward about having to walk by some girl standing silently behind a tree while holding her pants around her waist.

Do: Bring delicious turkey sandwiches with avocado and basil. Eat them on the shore of Duffy Lake and feel good about your foray into the outdoors.

Don't: Forget that your Northwestern spirit feelings are no match for your boyfriend's Midwestern over-obvious logic. Forgetting this will send you across the Misleading Meadow, up the Road to Doom, past the Lake of False Hope, across the Barren Burnt Pine Wasteland, and finally into The Land of Early Death where you will finally realize that there is no way you are going the right way.

Do: Turn around.

Don't: Assume that your journey is over now that you are at Santiam Lake. The truth is, you are going to walk around the lake to get to the farthest campsite and the fact that you thought you were done makes this a million times more difficult. Try not to lose it.

Do: Give your girlfriend some space. Let her walk down the trail thinking she is by herself. This is beneficial for two reasons: (1) she will get her second wind, and (2) you will have the opportunity to watch her struggle to get over a down tree for three minutes. It will give you great joy.

Don't: Forget the marshmallows.

Do: Set up an awesome campground complete with tarp awning and firewood pile while your girlfriend naps in the meadow. She will be impressed.

Do: Eat a delicious pasta dinner and then sit around the fire and talk about how awesome you guys are at backpacking.

Do: Say something like, "Oh man, I wish I had brought a little bottle of whiskey" and then once your girlfriend agrees that would have been awesome, pull out the little bottle of whiskey you brought. Again, she will be impressed.

Don't: Try to use the water filtration pump by yourself. Apparently, for you, it's a two-person job.

Do: Enjoy breakfast and coffee while sitting on little rocks on the shore of the lake. Watch the clouds whip overhead, the fog spin over the lake, the fish rise. Be glad you are in the mountains.

Don't: Start hiking with every warm piece of clothing you own on your back. Once you really start walking, you will almost keel over from the heat. 

Do: Enjoy your walk back to civilization and then head straight to your girlfriend's parents' house where you can shower and then eat a warm home-cooked meal.

Travel Tips for the Discerning Couple

Sam and I had a really amazing vacation. We got along really well, we did a lot of fun activities, we ate a lot of cheese and chocolate pastries, and Sam is now blond due to all the time we spent on the beach. However, on our last morning in our apartment in Barcelona, we began to recap our impressions of the trip. Sam said that we were "traveling as a couple" experts and should probably write a guide book. I snorted and rolled my eyes. And then IT began. We alternated giving our own versions of travel advice, moving farther and farther from any hope of civility. Our travel companion Gibbons was pretty convinced we were about to break up, while we laughed hysterically with each retort.

1. Remember, this trip won't be about what you want to do, it will be about what your boyfriend wants to do. Prepare to give up all your hopes and dreams.

2. Realize that it's okay to go to bed angry.

3. Rest assured, anything you didn't plan will be a total shitshow. Remind yourself to take it in stride.

4. Remember to bring extra warm clothing, because let's be honest, your girlfriend won't.

5. Be prepared to live on baguette and coffee. You won't be able to eat at the places you want to eat because your boyfriend won't have any money. Convince yourself that budget meals are part of the travel experience. 

6. Remember, as the male and natural caregiver, you won't have any money because you will pay for everything.

7. Maintain a straight face while telling your boyfriend that he looks great in his new spanish suspenders.

8. Be prepared to experience the full effect of your girlfriend's bowel movements.

9. Resign yourself to spending a large amount of your trip being lost, as your boyfriend won't be able to read a map. Try not to question his manhood.

9. Prior to your trip, spend some extra time at the gym. This trip is not about seeing the sights, it's about being your girlfriend's bellboy.

10. Perfect the "block and sweep" to ward off unwanted advances . . . from your boyfriend.

11. Accept that it's your fault when your girlfriend drops a pocketful of belongings, including a pocketknife you bought in France, onto a group of tourists in the street six stories below.

12. When you go surfing in southern France, try to come to terms with the fact that your boyfriend will have no idea you were caught in a rip for 20 minutes and almost drowned because he will be too busy surfing. When he asks if you saw him catch that awesome wave, resist the urge to punch him.

13. Realize that the knife debacle was not an isolated incident. Don't let your girlfriend hold your camera while standing on a raised walkway at the dinosaur exhibit.

14. When you feel like talking, your boyfriend will want to sleep. When you are tired and want to sit in silence, your boyfriend will want to talk.

15. Sometimes it's best to end long vacations with separate flights.

Don't Forget

 Agh! Sasquatch is here. It's my last year ever, yes I am making that ultimatum and I am very comfortable with it, so it better be good. With that in mind, I am going to pull all the wisdom garnered from years past, and not end up wet or shivering or hungry or thirsty or in any other way deprived. Checklist: Go!

1. Sunglasses: Preferably mirrored. Multiple days of dancing and little sleep means you end up looking pretty bad. Sunglasses hide half your face. This is good.

2. Tickets: Though many have forgotten or lost their tickets (Laurence!), it always works out in the end. That said, it's better just to have them in hand.

3. Snacks that are palatable at all times: Portable food is good but no pink salmon in a bag. No PBJ, it's just too dry. Fruit, trail mix and hot dogs. Ramen for late evenings.

4. Clothes: For all seasons. Overpack. Bring many pairs of socks and multiple pairs of shoes. If it rains and you only have one pair of shoes and they are converse and they end up getting all wet and stiff and abrasive, you will be sad you don't have an extra pair of shoes.

5. Random art supplies and notebooks: It's good to take notes. Treasure these moments.

6. Camera: Charged and ready. Last year I only had one day with my camera. It spent the other two in my tent with a dead battery. Never again.

7. Unexpected items: This always happens. You have to embrace it. You end up at camp with a Dora the Explorer pinata or a plastic picture frame featuring Vietnamese girls in 80s swimsuits and that's okay. It's part of Sasquatch.

8. All necessary players for camping: This means pump for the air mattress, poles for the tent, gas canister for the stove. Sometimes it's the supporting actors that stand in the way of true success. 

9. Hydration: I am going to bring lots of Gatorade, coconut water, and just plain water this year. And I am going to drink lots of it so I don't end up a husk of myself, capable only of half-hearted spirit fingers and toe shuffling by the end of the weekend.

10. Sunscreen: Even if it's not hot, we will still be milling about under UV rays for four days, leathering.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend !

Anticipation

Sasquatch is upon us. It always comes so soon, and I never quite feel prepared for the onslaught of music, laughter, dancing, late nights, early mornings, and hilarity that comes with it. This year, however, is different. I packed last night. Days ahead!

Obviously this was only Tier 3 Packing. Tier 2 Packing will occur the morning of and will result in at least five more random items shoved into my bag. Tier 3 Packing will occur five minutes before we leave and this will involve sheer panic and will result in inexplicable and useless items, as well as the last-minute stowing of things that I would not be able to live without (tickets, camera, chapstick, etc.).

So last night I put on LCD Soundsystem, went through my clothes, modeled my outfits, and danced. It's tricky. Danceablity, comfort, style, climate control: all these factors must be considered when selecting clothing for Sasquatch. I always want it to be nice and hot, but the weather forecast is not looking good, and even when it is, you can't avoid variability up there in the Gorge. So, I think I've packed the correct amount of things that I will wear because I want it to be warm, and things I need to wear because it won't be warm (see the abbreviated visual catalog above). My only goal is to not end up looking like a bag lady.

Code name: DH

The term DH was spawned this weekend on a sidewalk in Bend. Sam and I went over there for the Pole, Peddle, Paddle. I did the downhill and paddling portions and the whole thing went like clockwork. I began the race on time, so things went infinitely better than last year. We got 6th place and substantially improved our time! Not quite champions, but still winners.

But anyway, back to the dumplings. This thing happens when I get hungry, and it's totally horrible. I go from being a charming, intelligent young lady, to a mumbling, irrational savage. I am filled with despair. I give up on life. And woe to the person who happens to be with me, attempting to help (i.e. Sam). I am not going to do a complete reenactment of the situation because I would lose all credibility. Plus, Sam would probably feel misrepresented, as this is the sort of thing that deserves both sides of the story. These are the facts: Sam purchased a dumpling from a man with a food cart and a ponytail.  And then we got in a fight about the dumpling.

Even in the midst of this fight, I knew it was totally, obscenely ridiculous. The whole thing was so juvenile that I couldn't even justify it to myself. That didn't stop me from continuing on, bludgeoning reason out of the way, crossing my arms, and refusing the last bite of dumpling. Sam, in fact, threw the last bite away, because we were both too stubborn to eat it.

Once the dust settled and we walked away from the scene of the crime, we both acknowledged it was ridiculous and moved on with our lives. We got dinner and I became myself again. However, we have also discovered that if I am "dumpling hungry" or DH as it is now known, things need to be remedied quickly. For all I know, Sam is planning on packing Cheerios in a baggy for our next adventure out of town.

Birthday Weekend Commence!

I cannot wait for this weekend to start. I came in to work early so I can leave early, I made cookies last night, I did most of my packing last night (until I got distracted and started working on a painting), and there have been email chains that could set world records. We are going to the mountains.

I don't know if any of you have ever planned a condo/cabin weekend in the mountains but it is exhausting. I don't think I did it right. I first wanted to make sure I had enough people interested in coming. I sent out some emails. My friends responded in a positive manner. Then I started looking for the cabin/condo. There were so many options. I spent a few weeks agonizing and then I picked one. This solved one problem. I then reconfirmed that people were coming. And here's where things got tricky.

A friend of mine recently tried to do a cabin mountain weekend and it didn't work. At all. She found it impossible to get anyone to commit. Worried about a similar situation, I overinvited on the assumption that some people wouldn't want to, some people would flake at the last minute, etc. When I went in for a reconfirmation I realized that I had 20 people coming to a condo with an occupancy of nine. Not feasible.

I'm not going to lie. There was some panic. I came up some poor solutions such as (1) not go at all and move away and never return, or (2) organize some sort of gladiator-type battle for condo supremacy. Instead, Liz found a place for some people to stay and we divided the group amongst the cabins. Not so bad. Liz really came through.

So now we are divided but not in our hearts. I'm really excited for the weekend, there has been a million emails about all the delicious food people are bringing, the rides are sorted, the mountain has been getting heaps of snow, and basically it's going to be awesome.

The two things I have learned from this?

1. Don't overinvite.

2. My friends are wonderful.

I totally take requests

 Look! I got a request. Gentleman's Time, your wish has been granted.

Dear Rachel,

While I'll be following your advice, can you please recommend some Valentine's Day activities that I can do ALONE that night in the event that I'm unsuccessful. I mean I could just stay home, watch The Notebook and listen to "Circles" by Mariah Carey on repeat as I cry myself to sleep but I already do that every night. Kthnx!

Okay. You are alone and it's Valentine's Day. You are totally doomed. The cats are going to eat you.  You can take this lying down or you can do something about it.  You have some options. 

Sad Dancing:  
Mariah Carey is good, but Mary J. Blige is better. I recommend doing an aerobic, ballet-inspired interpretive dance to "No More Drama".  This should look like a cross between Black Swan and that terrifying dance scene in Silence of the Lambs. Not only will you get some exercise, but if you're doing it properly you will start crying half-way through and release some of that pent-up emotion. 

Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable: 
You know what? Screw all those self-satisfied couples. Why should they be happy? Rich people don't get congratulated when they venture into the ghetto. They get stabbed. I can only assume that when you cry yourself to sleep at night, you're doing it at home, alone. Oh wait, the shower? Probably not very safe, but whatever. You need to take it to the next level. Go to a very romantic place (I recommend Pix). Order something decadent. Sit down and start sobbing. Smear that cake on your face. Spill things. If you haven't ruined everyone's date in ten minutes, you aren't crying hard enough. 

Throw Away The Notebook: 
I honestly don't think The Notebook is a good idea. If you're stuck on Ryan Gosling (it's understandable), Blue Valentine may be a better film for you. This movie will show you that even true love fades and becomes bitter, bitter hate. However, I think an even more inspiring choice would be The Last of the Mohicans. Romance/violence you can believe in, suicide, and hatchet-throwing. Who would you rather be? An old man sitting in a retirement home reading to an Alzheimer's patient or Daniel Day-Lewis in a loin cloth? That's what I thought.

No, but seriously

From Awkward Prom Couples

I would recommend attending this event over constructing a valentine made of lace, construction paper and blood. It's the second annual Rock n' Roll Prom at Rontoms! The Monarques, Dirty Mittens, and Rocky and the Proms are going to serenade you with 50's and 60's love song covers while you and your date dance a balloon's width apart and alienate people with your blinding taffeta. If this party doesn't result in you finding your life partner, nothing will.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls IX

Valentine's Day is approaching. The pressure is on. You better not be single on February 14th because that means you will die alone with forty cats who end up eating half your face and the coroner will have to double check your identity using dental records. Oh no.

But it's okay. You're in Portland. There are many young single people here looking for love. You just need to stand out in the crowd. Here's how to do it.

Draw attention to your head (girls love guys in zany hats): 
 Remember fedoras, newsboys caps, those fuzzy Kangols? Instant style. You have two options in Portland.

Option 1: Yep. Just wearing a giant fuzzy arctic hat. Yeah, it looks like a raccoon died on my head and is just like, rotting here, but that's kind of the point. Someone could live off what's on my head for weeks. And I'm warm. And handsome.  And single . . . .

or

Option 2: Yep. Just wearing a tiny hat with a tiny brim that cyclists invented in France or something. I like cycling. Biking. Riding my bike. No, see, I flip the brim up because .  . . .  I'm not sure why. It actually completely obliterates the function of the cap. Did I mention I like bikes? And riding them?

Lure them in:
You know how pedophiles troll around in vans with tootsie roll pops and hand-held video game systems? Well, do this but for girls. Girls your age. I recommend carrying it all in a basket so everything's out in the open. Heart-shaped chocolate box, bottle of wine, variety pack of condoms, and a boombox for playing slow jams. This just doesn't happen enough in Portland. Guys need to be more obvious.

Say it in spraypaint or some other material:
There's a lot of great crappy graffiti in Portland. My personal favorite is Paulrus is Dead and I don't even know Paulrus. What if it was personalized? What if she started seeing propositions on every dumpster in town? Your name and hers in the middle of a heart impaled with an arrow right there under the Burnside Bridge. I mean, go big, appropriate a billboard. You don't need to stop at spray paint. Think blood. . . . on the windshield of her Buick Le Sabre. That's romance.

Best Albums to Do Stuff To

All music has a time and a place and a purpose. No one wants to hear Celine Dion on the jukebox when they’re trying to play pool in their favorite dive bar. You don't invite people over for a party and play Cat Power. You can’t do it while Tony Basil is playing. It’s physically impossible. The following are operating instructions for a few albums that I enjoy.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Fever to Tell: Listen to this when you are getting ready. Imagine that Karen O is your best friend. No, better yet, imagine that you are Karen O. Dance awkwardly throughout your entire bedroom, jump on the bed, leap to the floor and then gyrate in front of the mirror. Put on lipstick in an exaggerated way and imagine this scene is the opening montage to the movie of your best day ever.

Gayngs, Relayted: Listen to this on vinyl when you guys are breaking up. With all the fading guitar and soft vocal stylings it sounds sad but beautiful, which will justify your feelings and make it feel like the whole thing is meant to be. People were never meant to be happy anyway. The best artists never are. It is the perfect background album for your harsh words and divisions of furniture, custody of the cat, and your joint record collection. Smile wistfully when the saxophones start playing all echoey. Brush away single tears.When the record stops and there's just that thump, thump, thump, it's time to move on.

Iron and Wine, The Shepherd's Dog: Take this with you when you move to Japan to teach English. Listen to this on subways and trains and stare out the window at all the piles of concrete blocks, the rice paddies, the exotic curve of temple roofs. Wander alleyways and parks like the alienated Caucasian wraith that you are. Decide that you want to move back to the states and build like, a farm or a bookcase or something.

Pink Floyd, Meddle: Take this with you on long drives. Make sure you are somewhere really good when the last song plays. Preferably rushing down a windy road high in moonlit mountains, or precariously threading your way along a craggy coastline. Get all introspective and feel insignificant. It’s better when no one else is in the car with you, but if they are, make sure that they don’t sing along, or hum, or even worse, talk when this album is playing. If you are going on a long drive, make sure you don’t end up with Fergie’s The Duchess with you. No one can completely recover from that.

The Knife, Heartbeats: When you are at the bar and then it closes and you and all your friends still want to be awake doing fun things, you should take them home with you and play this album really loud. The entire thing. Invent some sort of stomping line dance that threatens to break the floorboards and the patience of your non-slumbering roommates. Sing along. Drink whatever is in the fridge, even if it’s not yours. Spill something. Feel good about the direction your life has taken.

How to Pick Up Girls in Portland VIII

Beware the Friend Circle: Nowadays, especially in Portland with all its transplantation, the friend circle has supplanted the family circle in terms of approval. When the object of your affection is from Kansas, it’s pretty unlikely that you will have to go through that dating gauntlet referred to as meeting the parents. Not until it’s pretty serious. However, that doesn’t mean you should not be equally wary of meeting her friends. They are probably nice people. Probably nice people just like her, who will laugh at your jokes and maybe buy you a beer and start taking you aside throughout the night and commend you because she just thinks you are so great, etc. etc. etc. OR they will tell you awe-inspiring stories about her ex-boyfriend, ask you awkward questions about your line of work, roll their eyes at your ill-timed quip about Kyron (it’s just too soon), and you will end up banished from the friend circle and from her love, left only with your shame, a hefty bar tab, and a hangover. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get to know her friends. It’s a crucial part of the process. I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with avoiding it for a while.

Keep your Pretention Level at Medium: As a borderline book snob, I am not going to try to pretend that I don’t judge people based on what they read. If your favorite author is Dan Brown closely followed by Elizabeth Gilbert (you know, Eat, Pray, Love), I will smile politely, purse my lips, and never talk to you again. A liberal arts college-refined literary background means you can bond with any number of girls in Portland who know how to read. This is great. However, THERE ARE LIMITS. You can’t sit at your place of work wanly checking identification cards with your books stacked up in front of you like you just might blow through the second half of Ulysses during your shift, in which case you will follow it up with Anna Karenina.

Be a Man: While I know there’s this whole nationwide stereotype about the Portland bearded dudes running around being overtly manly with their neck tattoos and lack of hygiene and childlike fascination of the outdoors, I’m wondering where they are. As are a lot of other women in this town. We like manly guys. I think we all had that phase when we liked pretty boys with nice hair and slim-cut t-shirts but like a late-blooming puberty, we’ve discovered that we actually like men. Men. We want to know that you can use an axe, build a birdhouse, kick in a door, win a fight, pitch a tent (literally, not figuratively, but I guess that’s important too) and other manly things like reading maps correctly and knowing how to fix the sink when it won’t stop dripping. We are still feminists and all that, so it’s not like we’re reverting to a desire for homemaking, it’s just enough with the pale iphone-obsessed type that tells stories about his cat and has never gone camping.

Inexpensive and Totally Awesome

Welcome to my gift-giving guide.

We all know that Christmas is a time when resources are tight. I am working on keeping my credit card bills down, and while I love to pride myself on how financially organized I am, my mother totally sent me the hey-have-you-paid-your-car-insurance email which I responded to with bewilderment and then called my agent only to find my mother had paid it. Yesterday. Total embarrassment.

Anyway, I have some tips on keeping your budget down and the excitement and gratitude levels high this year. Feel free to share your own in the comments.

Give the gift of experience: While this can be classy and pricey (spa-trip for two in romantic Tucson! scuba diving lesson! pole dancing classes!), it can also be an affordable solution. Buy a nice card, write out the details of a special day that you will theoretically make happen for the recipient, voucher for back rubs, future drinks purchased, etc. and then give. It's especially good to give when it's something that you will enjoy as well. There is a possibility that they will lose this card in the holiday gift-giving fray but this only works to your advantage. This puts the gift-receiving in their court and they have to acknowledge that the thought was there.

Socks!: While no one actually likes to receive socks, everyone needs them. Unless the socks are woefully too small, the recipient will end up wearing them at some point, and at that point they will think of you. Success! I like to put the socks in a really, really large box so it looks like you are giving something very exciting like a microwave.

DIY: Do-it-yourself is back with a vengeance and the possibilities are endless. Crochet a scarf, pickle something, brew your own Kahlua, paint a plate, infuse your own vodka, olive oil, or something else that can be infused. It helps to be somewhat good at what you're doing, but the thought counts thing applies here. I once received a hat with my initials and some weird buttons sewn on it. It was an oddly depressing hat but that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate it. That being said, I don't recommend distributing button-covered stocking caps this year.

Presentation Counts: If you are like me, no one really expects anything of you. In high school you were too self-centered for gift giving, in college you were too poor. Now that you maybe have a little disposable income it's not mandatory that you suddenly come through with lavish treats for everyone you know. In fact, it would probably seem out of character. Something thoughtful, personalized and well-wrapped is the way to go. As long as it's exciting to open, it's appreciated. In other words, don't give your best friend a candle swaddled in a plastic bag from Fred Meyer.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls VII

Three pick-up techniques that don’t or shouldn’t ever work. This one’s dedicated to the lovely Heidi, who came home from a Last Thursday confused and disgusted by yet another passive aggressive pick-up.

Passive aggressive pick-up: Some dude is sitting at the bar watching a girl flip her hair around, sip her drink, and play shuffle board like an adept retiree. He decides that she is attractive. He approaches her, finds a conversation of mutual interest, indicates his desire to take her out. He probably says, “We should hang out sometime.” She agrees. He then gives her his number. We don’t know why you guys do this. You’ve already done the hard part. You’ve expressed interest, you’ve received some interest or at the very least some cordiality, and then you give up. That’s like asking someone on a date and then telling them they need to plan it and bring their credit card. Girls won’t call. It wasn’t their idea. It was your idea. They may have even liked the idea, but this method lacks follow through and that means you probably still live with your mother, have a poor credit score, and are afraid of horses.

Whistling from cars: I’ve never understood this. No matter what type of whistle, holler, or whoop you emit, you are still a person in a moving vehicle. Let’s say the girl in question does, for some insane reason, find you appealing. What is she supposed to do? Start sprinting? Write down your license number? Post an I saw U (You hit and ran over my heart . . .)? Unless this is taking place on 82nd, it’s pretty doubtful that anything will come of this. It’s uncouth. Whistling from cars indicates that you grew up with sheep and probably love professional wrestling.

Using The Game: The worst birthday of my life involved sitting in an izakaya in Kita Urawa, Japan, listening to two sleazy English teachers explain how The Game works. Prey on your insecurities, tear you down to build you up, appeal to your caveman instincts, etc. Gross. The same people who use The Game use tanning products, hair gel, trim their pubic hair into awkward shapes, and probably own at least one Ed Hardy item. Utterly depressing. These are the guys in Portland who voted for Dudley.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls VI

Yet another installment. This one focuses on what to do after you have picked up your Portland girl and are actually attempting to date her.

Cater to your audience: This is a subtle art and relies heavily on the fact that you are an intelligent person capable of empathy and picking up on social cues. If the girl you are trying to date is an apathetic tea drinker obsessed with Sleep (the band, not the activity), she probably won't be excited about going to a Blazers game with you and being forced to high-five. In a similar vein, don't take the alcoholic punk-rock girl to the International Rose Test Garden and make her smell flowers and talk about her feelings.

Eat like an man: Portlanders love food. It's one of our things. Thus, Portland girls love food. We're all about variety, local products, weird strains of kale, hormone-free meat, Korean-Mexican fusion etc. So don't be surprised when we express shock and disappointment at your fridge filled with Kraft singles, white bread, month-old milk, and Bud Light Lime. We really like it when you cook for us, but not when it's Kraft singles-white bread sandwich dipped in month-old milk.

Be nice to old ladies: No, it's totally awesome that you can drink a six-pack of IPAs in one sitting, and that you have all these scars from when you used to punch windows, and that you once killed a rattlesnake with a throwing knife. We love dirtbags. So manly. But you should still be nice to old ladies, refrain from using your cellphone in restaurants, and politely request things from servers and bartenders.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls V

The fifth installment of an incredibly insightful series on finding love in Portland.

With Great Power: If you are in a band (like, a good band, not some amateur hour living room thing that covers Stone Temple Pilot) then you don’t need advice on picking up girls. Because they come to you. Same thing applies to professional athletes, artists, and maybe even the really good-looking baristas and bartenders at Portland hot spots. Is it a curse? Probably not. But the sort of girl that comes to you may not be the sort of girl you want to hang out with. No matter what, it’s in your best interest to be a considerate, responsible human being. A Portland girl scorned can be creatively vindictive and this town is just not that big. The last thing you want is hand-drawn posters of your horrible genital herpes posted on telephone poles all over the eastside.

Tattoos: Crucial Portland accessory. They won’t set you apart (unless you don’t have them), but like clothing and general demeanor they give people a jumping off point from which to characterize* you. Aesthetically there are several realms you can visit. The humor tattoo (ironic or otherwise): animals smoking bongs, random household objects, your face. The traditional tattoos: Often seen in sleeves, sailor stuff, Japanese koi, waves, flowers, death metal shit, etc. The tattoos with meaning: Something you got in remembrance of a moment, a person, a time in your life; could be your hometown and a phoenix rising from the ashes of said hometown. The tattoo parlor specials: straight off the wall and on to your arm, tends to be butterflies or tribal. I can say with confidence that a majority of Portland girls are not into guys with tribal tattoos. They just aren’t. It’s like tanning and hair gel. Doesn’t work here. I have also heard from someone with real-life experience that full sleeves makes you more appealing. I don’t really have any advice on the tattoo front but I don’t recommend getting full sleeves just to meet girls (you’re better off buying a puppy).

Bachelor Pad: Okay, let’s say you’ve managed to lure your subject back to your home. You probably asked her if she wanted to come over and watch a DVD. That’s fine. Whatever it takes. She knew what you meant. But let’s check the scene. Is the kitchen filled with a week’s worth of dishes? A 20-deep stack of various male-centric magazines on the back of the toilet? Have you been using newspaper as sanitary paper for the past week? Are there sheets on the bed? These things matter if you are looking for repeat visits. We like to be able to sit down on a piece of furniture in your home and not feel like we are about to be infected with something. We like toilet paper. I’m not saying it has to be spotless. I do not live in a spotless home. Most of my friends don’t either. But if you are having a lady friend over, you should give her the impression that you are a functioning adult, not a dirty little boy that masturbates every time you visit the bathroom.

*judge

How to Pick Up Portland Girls IV

The nice thing about Portland is that there is someone here for everyone. The myriad personalities/obsessions/lifestyles ensure that there is a lady out there that you can bond with over something. That something may be your vegan-Buddhist lifestyle, your tall bike, or a mutual love of Four-loko. That said, here are a few angles that have not seen much success in the field.

You are a teenage girl trapped in a male body: The new Twilight movie came out today? No, I didn't know that. No, I'm not into them. I mean, I've seen them. And I laughed. Yeah, I realize they were filmed in the Northwest. You're from the Northwest and you love them because of the scenery? Listen, Goonies was filmed here too. Just saying.

Hall and Oates: Man Eater is great song. Rich Girl is a great song. There are probably some other hits that I can't think of right now. I especially like the Man Eater video. Mostly for the cheesy fade-out editing effects. And that hair. But the fact that you played in a band that once toured with Hall and Oates is not working in your favor with the 30 and under crowd.

Sweating: From what I can tell, your interests are lawn games and sweating. I like lawn games as much as the next person. Croquet is great and sometimes I can be persuaded into throwing things and catching them (well, maybe not catching). But you are sweating so much that even the tops of your shoulders are sweating, like crazy sweat epaulets and it's freaking everyone out.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls III

We had a summit on the Skidmore Bluffs last night. It was one of those situations involving a blanket, a bottle of wine, cheese, bread and prosciutto, often referred to as a picnic. We watched the sunset, guys and girls in short shorts, the dogs, the couples, and we actively participated in girl talk. Many of the things discussed are completely private in nature and cannot be shared. However, I think it may be fair to pass along a little of what was discussed.

Go for it: Portland girls are tired of chasing guys around. If you notice a girl looking at you, don't get all darty-eyed and pretend to be reading the beers on tap behind her. Make eye contact and smile. It is okay to look at someone you find attractive, just don't leer. Try greeting your subject or introducing yourself. If your mission fails and the girl rolls her eyes, makes some scathing comment about your sideburns or your shoes, and then walks away to giggle with her friends, take a deep breath and move on. You are a shark. Or a lion or something. Don't give up. Everyone is rejected at some point. It is a sad fact of life and it feels a lot less dire the more you experience it.

No sneak-dates: Don't do this. If you like a girl we strongly suggest asking her out formally. It doesn't have to be dinner, it can be a bike ride or a picnic (we love that shit) but your intentions should be clear. If you have established something with a girl that may or may not be friendship, it is best to clarify the situation as soon as possible. We think it's obvious when we like someone or just want to be friends but historical data has shown some disconnect between the sexes. The best thing to do if you're unsure is attempt to talk about it before you've spent a bunch of money on Yeah Yeah Yeahs tickets and dinner. While it may be awkward to talk about your feelings, it's also incredibly awkward to realize that someone you don't have feelings for is suddenly trying to hold your hand during an acoustic version of Maps. Note: If the sneak-date fails , don't be a poor sport and send her an itemized bill (though that would be funny).

Don't pee on her belongings in the middle of the night: But if you do, clean it up.

What to do when you're in Japan ichi

A friend of mine is going off on a research expedition (On a boat! So jealous) and he may be stopping in Tokyo. Which made me think of all the things that I was fond of in Japan and what would be best recommended to others. While it may be the trivial items that I found most satisfying (teasing Japanese children, onigiri from 7-11, telling the lady at city hall that I was leaving and needed to cancel my health insurance in Japanese), these would not be the highlights of a brief visit. I had to split this post into segments because it got too big. Apparently there are a lot of things I liked about Japan.

Buy something weird: The Japanese love kitsch and they love to shop. A lot of my female students listed shopping as a hobby. Most of the train stations double as shopping centers, malls are everywhere, and then there are the actual shopping districts. They also love products with English or French sayings on them. It's really charming. You really don't have to go far to find some random stationary, a t-shirt with a really creepy slogan, a horrifically sexual figurine, or a watch with a lot of crazy buttons. The hyaku-yen shops are great too. Dollar stores. They have so much great random stuff. On one trip I returned with a recorder, a potted plant, scissors, a sewing kit, earrings, a wind-chime, and a notebook with donuts on it.

Climb a mountain: There are some cool places to hike in relatively close proximity to Tokyo. It's gorgeous, there are usually some funny signs, and it's a nice break from the concrete. At most summits there will be some sort of shrine and a village or restaurant area and you can buy food and huge bottles of beer to sustain your descent. There's the added bonus of seeing Japanese in the outdoors. They are super friendly. You will be saying konnichiwa all day.

Skate!: If you skate, you should skate there. Skating around Tokyo is classic, there are all sorts of ledges, steps, and obviously concrete forever. There are quite a few parks around and some shops with mini-ramps but the best thing to do is just wander around. It's nicest in the evening, less people and cooler.

Ferris wheels: The Japanese love ferris wheels. They are everywhere. They are in any city of merit, they are at amusement parks, they are at ski resorts. I recommend buying a grapefruit chu-hi (tall), hiding it in your belongings, and finishing it by the time the ferris wheel has made its rotation.

How to Pick Up Portland Girls II

Here is Volume II of The Guide. Volume I may be seen here. Or you could just scroll down. Either way.

Cupcakes: I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Who doesn’t love cupcakes? Even an average cupcake is still a delicious tiny cake covered with frosting. Perhaps it’s due to the size or precious appearance of the cupcake, but I think it's an essentially feminine dessert in nature. Like, someone handing you a Snickers bar just doesn’t have the same appeal. Ladies often appreciate it when a man shows his feminine side, it just has to take the right avenue. No to hair gel, yes to cupcakes. There are many places to get cupcakes in town (St. Cupcake is probably the most renowned), but making cupcakes on your own will demonstrate that you are intelligent enough to add eggs and oil to a powder and do simple math. Super appealing.

Talk about your glasses: There are a lot of glasses in Portland. Sunglasses. Prescription glasses. Fashion glasses. That light sensitive combo that middle-aged people like. I saw a high-school girl get off the bus the other day with huge black plastic frames, no lens, just going for it. It’s a statement on your face and it’s okay to talk about it. While Wayfarers are current champions in the game of life (especially in Portland) and will probably stay champions in a similar manner to Werner Herzog, Neil Young, and Converse, any glasses are okay to talk about. Just say something like, I like your glasses. If they are Wayfarers you can ask if they are Wayfarers or Wayfarers II. I personally have never been able to have that conversation because my “Wayfarers” are foreign, cheap imitations and that tends to kill the conversation. But you can bet someone will be into it.

Put dollars in their g-strings: Portland strippers are Portland girls too. While there is a high probability that they are only pretending to like you for tips, strippers are just like you and me. They too need love and affection and may also be seeking a relationship or a new friend. That said, you will probably see a higher return on investment if you stick to buying cupcakes (or drinks) and give them to girls who are not stripping.