June 7, 2010

How to Pick Up Portland Girls

No, I have not jumped from the Good Ship Hetero. But I don't have any advice on picking up Portland boys and I am, above all other things, an observer. As an observer, I feel like I have witnessed my fair share of courtship in the wild and I feel like I can provide some really valuable pointers here. This is obviously not a comprehensive list, I imagine this to be an ongoing thing. I am compiling data. It's science.

Brooding and back from abroad: Yeah, this book that I'm reading is not an English book. It's actually a book written in Spanish. Yes. Yes, I read things in Spanish. I used to be a single-language person like yourself but then I went abroad. As in, I roamed another country on my motorcycle and used sign language and broken English to gather food, alcohol, and vague directions to tourist attractions. Yes, it was an amazing life-changing experience. My favorite memory? Oh, I don't know. There were so many. It was so wonderful and foreign. Why did I bring this book into a bar on a Friday night? Well, that's pretty obvious. To pick up girls.

Jukebox hero: What you choose on the jukebox is critical to the type of female you want to attract. If you are looking for slightly crazy and willing to shotgun a beer with you, then by all means play Holy Diver. If you are looking for classy with a slightly better record collection than yourself, I would go with some soul or perhaps something bluesy, Sam Cooke or The Animals. No Collective Soul or Live unless you are looking to reel in someone from Beaverton.

Moneybags: Seriously. Buy the lady a drink. I know this doesn't happen because everyone is unemployed and worse than that: cheap, but buying someone a drink is a nice thing to do and it means you get to talk to your victim for at least five minutes or so. Buying said drink may illicit a confused response but this is only because the lady in question has not had a drink purchased for her the entire time she has lived in Portland. In fact, the five minute rule probably doesn't even apply here. I wouldn't be surprised if she stayed by your side all night in the hopes of having yet another drink purchased for her. She would probably go home with you on principal. I don't know, I haven't seen it in practice because drink-buying chivalry is dead in this town.

5 comments:

Kyle said...

*takes notes*

I mean really, who the hell takes travel books to the bars in the first place? Pompus assholes.

But on a more serious note, drink-buying chivalry is not dead. Though it may be dead to those who are trying to pick a girl up at a bar, but for us friends it will always be there, at least in my case. Besides I seem to remember someone enjoying (I say that term loosely) a well whiskey on the rocks just this past Friday.

Rachel Wrong said...

I saw it. I saw a guy with some spanish novel hanging out in Ron Toms. I swear.

And yes, this is true. I did consume a well whiskey and a few hamms, last friday. Friendly drink-buying chivalry is certainly not dead.

Elizabeth said...

Given that I know you have a whole play list dedicated to Holy Diver, and can play the beginning of the song on your recorder, is it appropriate to infer that you would be a "slightly crazy [girl] willing to shotgun a beer"?

Elizabeth said...

Also, I find the timing of this post hilarious...only now that you are taken as it were, do you bequeath your dating manual to the men of this city... oh sweet irony.

Rachel Wrong said...

Elizabeth. No inferences should be made.