June 10, 2010

How to Pick Up Portland Girls II

Here is Volume II of The Guide. Volume I may be seen here. Or you could just scroll down. Either way.

Cupcakes: I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Who doesn’t love cupcakes? Even an average cupcake is still a delicious tiny cake covered with frosting. Perhaps it’s due to the size or precious appearance of the cupcake, but I think it's an essentially feminine dessert in nature. Like, someone handing you a Snickers bar just doesn’t have the same appeal. Ladies often appreciate it when a man shows his feminine side, it just has to take the right avenue. No to hair gel, yes to cupcakes. There are many places to get cupcakes in town (St. Cupcake is probably the most renowned), but making cupcakes on your own will demonstrate that you are intelligent enough to add eggs and oil to a powder and do simple math. Super appealing.

Talk about your glasses: There are a lot of glasses in Portland. Sunglasses. Prescription glasses. Fashion glasses. That light sensitive combo that middle-aged people like. I saw a high-school girl get off the bus the other day with huge black plastic frames, no lens, just going for it. It’s a statement on your face and it’s okay to talk about it. While Wayfarers are current champions in the game of life (especially in Portland) and will probably stay champions in a similar manner to Werner Herzog, Neil Young, and Converse, any glasses are okay to talk about. Just say something like, I like your glasses. If they are Wayfarers you can ask if they are Wayfarers or Wayfarers II. I personally have never been able to have that conversation because my “Wayfarers” are foreign, cheap imitations and that tends to kill the conversation. But you can bet someone will be into it.

Put dollars in their g-strings: Portland strippers are Portland girls too. While there is a high probability that they are only pretending to like you for tips, strippers are just like you and me. They too need love and affection and may also be seeking a relationship or a new friend. That said, you will probably see a higher return on investment if you stick to buying cupcakes (or drinks) and give them to girls who are not stripping.


Elizabeth said...

What happens if you make bad cupcakes and have to wear women's costume glasses?

Elizabeth said...

Answer: Love

Kyle said...

Doesn't Alexa hate cupcakes just because they are tiny cakes?

Rachel Wrong said...

Yes, but we have established that Alexa hates a lot of things. While she may not be the only girl (formerly) in Portland that hates cupcakes, I don't think she is representative of the majority.