June 28, 2010

How to Pick Up Portland Girls III

We had a summit on the Skidmore Bluffs last night. It was one of those situations involving a blanket, a bottle of wine, cheese, bread and prosciutto, often referred to as a picnic. We watched the sunset, guys and girls in short shorts, the dogs, the couples, and we actively participated in girl talk. Many of the things discussed are completely private in nature and cannot be shared. However, I think it may be fair to pass along a little of what was discussed.

Go for it: Portland girls are tired of chasing guys around. If you notice a girl looking at you, don't get all darty-eyed and pretend to be reading the beers on tap behind her. Make eye contact and smile. It is okay to look at someone you find attractive, just don't leer. Try greeting your subject or introducing yourself. If your mission fails and the girl rolls her eyes, makes some scathing comment about your sideburns or your shoes, and then walks away to giggle with her friends, take a deep breath and move on. You are a shark. Or a lion or something. Don't give up. Everyone is rejected at some point. It is a sad fact of life and it feels a lot less dire the more you experience it.

No sneak-dates: Don't do this. If you like a girl we strongly suggest asking her out formally. It doesn't have to be dinner, it can be a bike ride or a picnic (we love that shit) but your intentions should be clear. If you have established something with a girl that may or may not be friendship, it is best to clarify the situation as soon as possible. We think it's obvious when we like someone or just want to be friends but historical data has shown some disconnect between the sexes. The best thing to do if you're unsure is attempt to talk about it before you've spent a bunch of money on Yeah Yeah Yeahs tickets and dinner. While it may be awkward to talk about your feelings, it's also incredibly awkward to realize that someone you don't have feelings for is suddenly trying to hold your hand during an acoustic version of Maps. Note: If the sneak-date fails , don't be a poor sport and send her an itemized bill (though that would be funny).

Don't pee on her belongings in the middle of the night: But if you do, clean it up.


Elizabeth said...

I have found that the peeing on my belongings in the middle of the night is more of a deal breaker, than a general guideline. I mean, once you've urinated on anything of mine, I am pretty much going to make sure that if your name comes up in one of our circles, the first thing that is mentioned is your failing bladder control. You may even get a nick name like, "the wet bandit".

shola said...

rachel, these are my favorite posts to read because they're all SO TRUE. t-h-a-n-k you. shola :)

Charisstopher said...

I had a friend who on at least three different (blackout drunk) occasions peed in his roommate's closet in her clothes hamper. She said it was worse than living with an incontinent cat.

Rachel Wrong said...

Thank you Shola and thank you for the urine comments. Turns out urine is pretty contentious. At least it's sterile (and way better than poop). Poop is always a dealbreaker.