AWESOME Gift Guide

So, after Kyle Arthur's wedding, a bunch of of us went back to our apartment. Sam had to break in through the window because he forgot his keys, we brought the leftover kegs in, and we were supposed to like, keep the party going, but that kind of fizzled after about ten minutes and then we were just hanging out. I put on The Last Unicorn (one of my favorite movies in the world) and there was even a redheaded guy hanging out who I didn't know or really notice. A few weeks later he confronted me at The Woodsman Tavern (great new restaurant on Division!) and was like, " Weren't you in Kyle's wedding? I watched The Last Unicorn at your apartment."

Eventually we got hungry. We decided to order pizza. And for some reason, we made Alexa do it. She was one of the least sober and throughout this conversation with the pizza guy she kept saying, "Yes! Yes! I want the AWESOME crust. Yes to AWESOME crust." And we really didn't know what to think and some of us kind of thought that maybe she wasn't really talking to anyone and the pizza would never come. But it did! And it was awesome! Apparently AWESOME crust is a real thing. It involves a dusting of garlic salt and herbs, I think.

Anyway, whenever I say or think the word "awesome" now, I think about Alexa and the AWESOME crust. And in my head I say it like that in all caps. I have been perusing various gift guides on the internet and have selected the most AWESOME things that I have seen. Get these for somebody in your life. Or maybe just yourself.

Lomokino Camera
This is truly awesome. Johanna (look at her great blog) got this for her boyfriend and I am totally jealous.You can make instantly classic videos with 35mm film. It just looks like so much fun.

Pocket Piano
A mini-synth for the musical person in your life. Infinitely cooler than the annoying Ipad app.

Polaroid Camera
 Classic and fun and the sort of thing that you don't go out and buy for yourself, because you already have a serviceable  digital camera, but let's be honest. If you had a polaroid camera you would end using it all the time instead of your boring digital camera. You can get the new school version, or a refurbished old one.

Redwood Forest
Tiny trees? Not only tiny trees, but a species that was thought extinct and was recently discovered in China? Truly wonderful. And good for the air.

Fear

I remember the first time I was ever really truly terrified by a movie. It began with Indiana Jones and continued on throughout each awkward phase of my life.  This is the loose timeline:

5 years old: Watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Terrified when the bleeding heart was ripped out of that man's body.

6 years old: Watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: Terrified by the man's head rolling out of the mist. Had a nightmare.

Grade School: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, Goosebumps, Lois Duncan

Middle School: Dean Koontz, Stephen King, my dad hiding in the orchard at night when I had to go out to the barn and then jumping out and scaring the living shit out of me.

13 years old: Scream came out, followed by gems like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Final Destination. Often filled with an irrational fear of something coming to get me when washing my hair in the shower with my eyes closed.

14th Birthday Party: Watched the Exorcist for the first time. Actually, didn't watch it because I was covering my face with a pillow.

15 years old: Tried watching the Exorcist again with Charissa. She made me turn it off. We watched it again the next morning all the way through, it was almost worse in the light of day.

16-18 years old: Caught up on classics such as Halloween, Psycho, etc.

21 years old: Watched the Grudge in a movie theater in Auckland. Reverted to pre-teen levels of fear of the dark.

28 years old: Remembered how great scary stories are when Caroline told us stories about the haunted house she grew up in. Further inspired by her gift of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark Vol. 1.

also

  **Decided to have a scary story and photo contest complete with real prizes (no Big Billy Bass for you)**

Details coming soon.

Don't Forget

 Agh! Sasquatch is here. It's my last year ever, yes I am making that ultimatum and I am very comfortable with it, so it better be good. With that in mind, I am going to pull all the wisdom garnered from years past, and not end up wet or shivering or hungry or thirsty or in any other way deprived. Checklist: Go!

1. Sunglasses: Preferably mirrored. Multiple days of dancing and little sleep means you end up looking pretty bad. Sunglasses hide half your face. This is good.

2. Tickets: Though many have forgotten or lost their tickets (Laurence!), it always works out in the end. That said, it's better just to have them in hand.

3. Snacks that are palatable at all times: Portable food is good but no pink salmon in a bag. No PBJ, it's just too dry. Fruit, trail mix and hot dogs. Ramen for late evenings.

4. Clothes: For all seasons. Overpack. Bring many pairs of socks and multiple pairs of shoes. If it rains and you only have one pair of shoes and they are converse and they end up getting all wet and stiff and abrasive, you will be sad you don't have an extra pair of shoes.

5. Random art supplies and notebooks: It's good to take notes. Treasure these moments.

6. Camera: Charged and ready. Last year I only had one day with my camera. It spent the other two in my tent with a dead battery. Never again.

7. Unexpected items: This always happens. You have to embrace it. You end up at camp with a Dora the Explorer pinata or a plastic picture frame featuring Vietnamese girls in 80s swimsuits and that's okay. It's part of Sasquatch.

8. All necessary players for camping: This means pump for the air mattress, poles for the tent, gas canister for the stove. Sometimes it's the supporting actors that stand in the way of true success. 

9. Hydration: I am going to bring lots of Gatorade, coconut water, and just plain water this year. And I am going to drink lots of it so I don't end up a husk of myself, capable only of half-hearted spirit fingers and toe shuffling by the end of the weekend.

10. Sunscreen: Even if it's not hot, we will still be milling about under UV rays for four days, leathering.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend !

Keeping It Organized

Those of you who hang out with me on a semi-regular basis know that I can be kind of a mess. Not like food and drink spilled down my front mess (though that can happen), but a generally disorganized, can't find what I'm looking for, rummaging through my purse, running through the house frantically, chronic double exiter. (Double exiter: You know how some people run out the door with a quick see you later and then come back sheepishly 55 seconds later to grab whatever it is they forgot?) So I thought it might interest you to see how organized I can be when it comes to camping. I even took meeting minutes, typed them up and sent them to the group. Here they are:


Ron Toms, 5:30
Attendees: Rachel Wright, Charissa Robbins, Kyle Arthur, Darci Leffler, Sarah Anderson
I had a french dip and a glass of white wine. Both were delicious. Sarah (Gabe's fill-in) and Darci also had the same sandwich. Darci's salad had an abundance of dressing. Charissa and Kyle did not have food, but did consume multiple beers and water. Let the record show that the patio was relatively shaded and not at all crowded. Gabe briefly attended via iphone. And so it begins. . . . .

Transportation: We are going to rent a minivan for this adventure. Kyle Arthur has volunteered to be the renter of the van and put his credit card in harm's way. The van is $280 for the weekend plus the cost of gasoline (is that right Darci?). I'm not sure exactly how we're working out division of cost, as Darci and John-Robert will be participating in the van ride from Seattle to Shi Shi, but not the entire journey. But you can expect total transportation cost to be around $70. Let's make sure we all contribute so Kyle Arthur (unemployed) doesn't get screwed.

Schedule: Portland departure at 6:00 p.m. on Thursday. I imagine you Westsiders will meet up on your corner and can swing by and pick up Charissa and I. Seattle arrival around 9? Seattle departure around 9? Shi Shi departure around 10:00 a.m. on Sunday morning so that we can get back to Portland at a reasonable hour.

Food: Okay. We divided up meals and as there are only so many meals, JR and Andrew are on snack duty. John-Robert- I have a s'mores request but obviously you can do whatever you want. I have a small frying pan and a small pot that I will bring for cooking (a couple more pots would probably be helpful in cooking for seven). Bring whatever else you will need to cook your meal. Also, we will have two camp stoves (me and Kyle Arthur). I'm probably going to do another pasta dish.

Friday Dinner: Rachel
Saturday Breakfast: Charissa
Saturday Lunch: Kyle Arthur
Saturday Dinner: Darci
Sunday Breakfast: Gabe (also, perhaps traditional cheese and salami)
Car Snacks: Andrew
Camp Snacks: John-Robert

Drink: Kyle Arthur is going to be bringing some mini bottles of booze (he loves those). Charissa is going to bring a bottle of whiskey. We may need more whiskey. Kyle Arthur mentioned bringing beer as well, and maybe carrying in a cooler.

Supplies:

Bear Bucket: John-Robert. Will we need two?
Everyone: Your own plate/bowl/food receptacle and utensils
Everyone: Gallon of water
Tents, sleeping bags, etc.: I have a tent that will fit three. Charissa and I will be in it, with room for one more if need be. How is everyone else on that front?
Toys: Darci is bringing frisbee, speakers and ipod
Water filter: JR?
Camp stuff: I have some pans, camp soap, a little cutting board
Coffee: Charissa is taking charge of the coffee front

Miscellaneous: I think that's about it. Bring clothing for all weather but hopefully it will be nice. Bathing suits. Insect repellent. Please pipe up if I've forgotten everything. Don't forget some cash for the ferry. CDs for the minivan. Cards? Travel scrabble? Ooooh. We should bring some musical instruments!

Yay!

Breakin' the Deal

I don't know if you have seen the dealbreaker blog before, but it's hilarious. I check it out on a semi-regular basis and sit there and cackle. Thanks to Alexa for pointing it out. Here are some of my dealbreakers:

Your river sandals: Yeah. Tevas, Chacos, cheap imitations. It doesn't really matter. River sandals are creepy. The velcro, the exposure of hairy man-toes, the implied sportiness. Unless I see a boat and a river in direct contact with your feet, it's unacceptable.

You have emo hair: I am really glad that I didn't grow up in the time of emo rock. I was at the tail-end of adolescence when it really gathered steam. Knowing my teenage self, I would have totally loved all the skinny boys with swooping emo bangs and therefore would have had a decade's worth of lame, black-hair-dye, girl-jean crushes to lament. Thank god I escaped with my dignity. Those boys have grown up and as an adult I'm just not interested. Alexa put it best: They're just like, "I'm withering. Where's my mother?"

You are a monologuist: I'm not a total asshole but I do like to talk and sometimes I do like to talk about myself. Or variations of that. My trip to the beach. My shoes. My opinion. Whatever. Conversation must be shared and it gets really awkward when I'm just throwing a word in here or there and nodding a lot.

You love the Red Hot Chili Peppers: I don't think I really have to expand on this one. I hope not.

You submitted a photo to Cute Boys with Cats blog: See above.

Hot Hot Hate II

So, to balance out all the hate this list emits into the world, I am also including love. This list is just like Switzerland.

People I hate:

People who wear running shoes in bars
Americans are notorious for wearing running shoes about town like they are an acceptable and fashionable form of footwear. All over the world Americans are picked out of the crowd by their shiny white running shoes, their Nalgene bottles, and their Lonely Planets. Fine. You are traveling. You may be walking long distances and maybe you don't want your feet to hurt. There are other footwear choices that would be more attractive but whatever. However, a night out in your city of residence? Unless you are also wearing full gym attire and a slight sweaty sheen from your recent venture at the gym, you shouldn't be wearing those shoes. Those are workout shoes. And they look dumb with your jeans.

Fun killers
Why? Why would you kill someone's fun? It may be that you are incapable of having fun because you are too self conscious or sober or depressed or existentially challenged. But that doesn't mean you need to step in with your heavy hand and ruin it for everyone else. Take your judging eyes and scathing comments somewhere else.

People who participate in consumer transactions while talking on their cellphone
When you are ordering a latte or depositing a check or buying a greeting card you expect their undivided attention and you should give them the same.

People I love:

Guys with weird combovers
It's just so awesome and fascinating. Everyone knows you're bald. You know you're bald. But you've got this long hair that grows by your ears and you have found various creative ways to wrap it around and attach it to your skull. And sometimes it comes loose in a strong breeze and starts waving around but that doesn't stop you. Thank you.

People who give me Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs on Easter
So great. It's a giant egg-shaped Peanut Butter Cup. More peanut butter, more chocolate, more everything.

People who eat more than me
I eat a lot. We went to Skamania Lodge for this brunch buffet (it was amazing! Endless mimosas and a whole dessert tray and crab and waffles and etc.) I ate two or three more plates more than my brother. He found it disturbing. He even tells his friends about it, like it is a defining feature of my character. I like it when I am not the person at the buffet table with the largest stack of plates.

Hot Hot Hate

Because it is my birthday soon (it's next week but I am going to Colorado to visit friends and when I go on vacation I make a point to avoid even touching computers) please spare me this indulgence. It's a brief list of things that I hate. You know, just for fun. With and without explanations. Please know that this is not an inclusive list. There is way more where this came from.

Frisbee-- But not frisbee golf. I like that for some reason.

People that bring dogs into cafes--And their little dogs too.

The term "foodie"-- I don't like how it sounds. It's reminiscent of footsie, an unpleasant word, and not far off from furry, also disturbing. And the sort of person that would self-identify as a foodie? Questionable. It's like identifying yourself as an amateur egyptologist or a pop culture expert. Pretty much everyone likes food.

Visors

Lack of cellphone etiquette-- Especially those guys that lurk in airports and you always end up standing behind them in the coffee line and then they're on your plane and sitting across the aisle from you and the moment the plane lands they start ranting about big business deals and the color of the new carpet and tell Maureen to throw that in an email and we'll need a CA and RFP. And they're always looking around to see who is noticing how important they are. And while I know that everyone answers their phone everywhere now and there is absolutely no escaping it, whenever you, my friends, are answering your phone and talking and it's just you and I hanging out one-on-one, yes. Yes I'm upset. I may not say anything. I probably won't. But I have a little mental chalkboard with tally marks on it.

Wearing something that has a large stain on it-- This could be solved if I washed every article of clothing that I own as soon as I have worn it once. But I don't do that. And there's nothing worse than looking down and realizing your sweater has a large dried patch of mustard on the left sleeve. And it's been there all day.

Losing one of something-- This isn't so bad with earrings. I've totally embraced the one earring and the mismatched earring combo. But you just can't do that with gloves.

Why I haven't Called

Horrible at dating. My track record is actually pretty hilarious when you really analyze it in retrospect which is not something I want to get into here. This all comes up due to an encounter with someone who I liked and I thought liked me and then there was the long slow suffering of the non-call which, really, takes a while to sink in because you keep thinking that they will call eventually with some fabulous and endearing excuse and things will just pick up from there. Here are some of the possible explanations Liz and I came up with the other night:

1. He is not alive anymore.
2. He suffered a horrible crushing injury to his larynx rendering any communication via telephone impossible, also, he broke his thumbs making a conciliatory text impossible.
3. Has amnesia, has no idea where, who or what he is and is living like a feral badger in a 24-hour Wal-Mart.
4. He was an avid non-movie watcher and I convinced him to watch a movie with me (this is true and not speculation). This resulted in a spiraling, crippling addiction to motion picture feature films which will take him years upon haggard years to recover from and I have ruined his life and at times, in strange moments of clarity, he curses my name (this is speculation).
5. He is dealing with the loss of a fish or a friend or something tragic of that nature.
6. He won the lottery and now is in Las Vegas covered with strippers and cocaine and Little People dressed like the members of Kiss.
7. His family has a blood feud against my family and when they realized what was going on he was forbidden to see me and is, at this very moment, lying in a tomb somewhere drugged to the point of near death waiting for me to come and stab myself in the heart over his not-really-dead body.
8. He was blinded in a senseless accident in his laboratory and is groping at the walls without reference and getting dangerously close to the proton radial particle accelerator device which happens to be turned on and a mouse happens to be sneaking through the lab and is attracted to the tiny chunks of cheese that are being radially accelerated (do you see where this is going? Mouse Man!)
9. He is actually a gypsy and when I go home tonight all of my belongings will be missing, as well as my car and my roommates and my house.
10. He’s actually a seal (selkie) and over the holidays he found his seal skin locked in a magical chest and he put it on and went straight out to Cannon Beach to reconvene with his brethren and seals don’t use cell phones so there you go.
11. He was actually a ghost who was granted one wish, kind of like Devon Sawa in Casper when he goes down the stairs all slow and romantic and starts slow-dancing with Christina Ricci.
12. We just found a trail of three fortunes scattered mysteriously on the office floor. I picked up one. It said: An admirer is too shy to greet you at the moment. I’m not even joking about this.
13. He was converted by a wandering Jehovah’s Witness and is now cutting off all ties with his former friends and acquaintances all of whom are mired in the depths of Satan’s sway.
14. He sensed that I am totally batshit crazy and would end up writing weird stories about him and posting them on the World Wide Web.
15. Witness Protection Program.
16. Jury duty. He is in the middle of a hot case (something very OJ Simpson-like) and he is not allowed to have any contact with civilians because they could taint his opinions or try to sway them and so he is sitting in a Motel 6 with the television shut off reading one of those Bourne Identity books (because that’s all they gave him which is really unfortunate because those books are among the worst ever written).
17. Oh man. He is probably a vampire.
18. Or he is in the sort of cult that would feature prominently in a Japanese movie in which the members have a secret pact to ruin people by breaking their hearts and crushing their spirits and this has all been a malicious game that will be revealed in a very climactic scene involving dripping candles and ravens and ritual sacrifice.
19. I just bought a new accordion (not speculation but fact). He is avoiding me because the torture of hearing someone who does not know how to play the accordion but attempts to anyway is far too painful to bear.
20. He has full-blown AIDS.