Breakfast Club

I really like breakfast. I feel like most people do, especially people in Portland. I mean, we wait for an hour at some restaurant, sit around, chat and drink coffee, and then we sit down and eat and chat some more, and that is considered an excellent Sunday morning. So, inspired by a friend of Colleen's who has a regular brunch get-together, I decided that Sam and I should have one at our house.

Sam sent out a text on Friday afternoon that inspired gags from some of our friends who think we are a gross couple because we suggest things like Breakfast Club, and suddenly we were on. People were into it. Everyone loves breakfast and apparently people don't book Saturday mornings the way they do Friday nights and Tuesday evenings. Everyone wanted to come. I had replies from friends I hadn't seen in months.

The plan was to take the waffle maker on its maiden voyage (Christmas gift from my mom) and we requested that people bring toppings and fruit and other protein things for sides. Of course, Sam and I slept in a little later than we should have, so when people started arriving, coffee was still brewing and I was frantically trying to whip runny egg whites into mountainous peaks, but my parents arrived and my mom took over waffle-making helm while I turned my attention to whipping cream into mountainous peaks. It was a success. There were multiple berry topping options, tropical choices, quiche, sausages (brought by The Sausage King), bacon, scrambles, and mimosas. Pretty much a huge mess of delicious waffles and other breakfasty things. Plus, the day wasn't even half over and I had already had quality social time with friends and family. We spent the rest of the afternoon skating at Pier Park and pretty much had the perfect Saturday.

I can't wait for the next Breakfast Club. (Liz and Jesse, did you say that it's your turn?)

American Beauty

It was Charissa's birthday yesterday*. She made a massive, three-story carrot cake bedecked with cream-cheese frosting and invited friends to meet her at Roadside Attraction to eat it. Charissa turns a year older and we get cake. It was a fantastic trade. To celebrate Charissa's birthday, I gave her a book that will help her age with grace and dignity. It's called The American Look-How It Can Be Yours.**

 This book includes gems like recommendations for regular massage from a home masseuse (masseurs are creeps), the ideal weight (100 lbs=5 foot woman, add three pounds for every inch above 5 feet and don't forget to subtract a few pounds from your allowance if you have a small frame), wrapping your hands in cold cream when performing the countless tasks around the house that require gloves (dishwashing, scrubbing, gardening, picking things up off the floor), and what to do if you get cellulite (she has no idea since she's thankfully never had cellulite). All this is supplemented by countless photos of her doing American things like running down the beach, posing in 80s workout gear with her leg up on a bar, lying on a chaise lounge with her surprisingly unattractive child Gaston, or just standing there, being fabulous.

I highly recommend it. If anything, it's great to know how much time you're saving by avoiding the American Look. If I ever wrote a beauty book, it would be very brief and to the point. It would involve recommendations like, "You don't need to wash your face!" and "Makeup is time-consuming!" and "Burritos are delicious!"




* Happy birthday!
** Check out this link if only for the review. It's priceless.
Photo from here

Delicious Oatmeal Bars

How do you know you've become an adult? When you bake things and bring them to events that should be an unadulterated party. I've found myself doing exactly that lately, and am feeling a strange mix of pride and mourning for my youthful self who ate cold baked beans out of the can. It's okay. When it comes down to it, Raisin Oatmeal Bars are way better than cold baked beans.

Alexis requested this recipe after I brought these to Sasquatch and I figured I would post it here so that anyone can replicate and enjoy this treat.

The first time I made these I was in Colorado, recovering from a breakup and living by myself in the furnished apartment of my ex-boyfriend's sister. I had never lived by myself before and was really into it. I was painting and cooking a lot, mostly using this crazy slow-cook macrobiotic cookbook (The Self Healing Cookbook) that I had found in the apartment. Lucky for you, this recipe did not come from the The Self Healing Cookbook. I found this in the Summit Daily, quite possibly one of the worst newspapers in the history of the world. Anyway. Here's the recipe. I been using whole-wheat flour lately, and I think it adds to it. I also added coconut to the last batch with no ill-effect, so I would recommend adding that too, unless you hate coconut.

Raisin Oatmeal Bars

1 cup dark raisins
1 cup golden raisins (it's worth it. Don't skimp and only use dark ones)
1 14 oz. can of sweetened condensed milk
1 Tbsp lemon zest
1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
3/4 cup grated coconut
2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup) at room temperature
1 1/4 cups dark brown sugar
2 1/2 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups rolled oats (not instant)
1 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees with rack in the center. Line a 9" by 13'' pan with foil. Let the foil hang over the sides so that you have handles when you want to pull the bars out. If foil isn't non-stick, spray or grease.

Make the raisin filling by combining  the dark and golden raisins, condensed milk, lemon zest, and lemon juice in a medium saucepan. Cook over low medium heat and stir constantly until mixture thickens slightly and starts to simmer (you'll see bubbles but don't let it boil). Add coconut and mix. Remove the pan from heat and let it cool.

Make the base and topping by cutting the butter into pieces and mixing it with sugar and vanilla in a large bowl. Beat until fluffy. Add the oats, flour, baking soda, and walnuts, and stir until well mixed and crumbly.

Set aside 1 cup of the mixture for the topping. Press the rest into the baking pan. Smooth in an even layer (you can use a sheet of wax paper if it's sticking to your hands). Spoon the raisin filling over the bottom layer and spread with a spatula so that it covers the entire base. Crumble the 1 cup of topping over the filling and press down gently to keep it in place.

Place in oven and bake until the top of the bars are a deep golden brown, 25 to 35 minutes. Remove the pastry from the oven and cool on a wire rack before lifting out of the pan.  Cut into 1 by 2 inch bars when you're ready to serve (they're rich). rich rich rich.

Happy Holidays

Last night I prepared for a small holiday gathering at our house tomorrow, you know, just some drinks and snacks with an emphasis on guests bringing something so there isn't any kitchen slaving or that sort of thing. But I'm feeling pretty festive this year and got home with this whole baking mission in mind. Fancy butter cookies with roasted cacao nibs, stuffed mushrooms, and fudge. These are simple things but I probably wouldn't be telling this story if things went according to plan.

It started out innocently enough. Got home. Turned the christmas lights on. Ran to Whole Foods to get cacao nibs. This was the first hiccup. They are expensive. Apparently it is cheaper to make actual chocolate than to put some raw nibs in a bag and send them up here. And I asked the dapper checkout guy if they had any roasted ones because that's what the recipe called for. He has to call the grocery section. No. We don't. Cause they would like, melt. In the roasting process. I feel brief shame for not only being ignorant of the cacao nib roasting process, but also because I'm buying cacao nibs in the first place. I purchase them and run home.

I prepare the cacao nib cookie dough with minimum fuss. I am gaining confidence. And then, the mushrooms. The stuffing mixture looks delicious and I'm thinking about how everyone will be impressed with these amazing mushrooms. The recipe calls for baking the mushrooms before putting the mixture in. Like, first with the round side down for twenty minutes and then you turn them. I do this while preparing all the elements for fudge which cleans out all the white sugar in the house and involves that marshmallow goo. That is some gross stuff. All the while Christmas music is playing on the soft rock AM station and I'm thinking about what a competent adult I am, just sitting at home by myself, baking in a meditative manner, listening to Christmas music, multi-tasking with ease.

Then I start boiling the fudge elements. Making fudge is like jumping in a car with no brakes and driving down a mountain. You can't stop, it's just hardcore boiling and stirring and waving that candy thermometer around hoping it hits the right temperature. If it doesn't you're left with a strangely grainy chocolate mass that no one wants to eat. It's alchemy. There's flour and goo everywhere. I'm chopping hazelnuts for the fudge, the sugar/butter mixture is boiling and then the timer goes off for the mushrooms and I obviously can't ignore them but I have to abandon the fudge mixture and I open the oven and they are the size of buttons. I have never seen mushrooms get this small and dessicated. I pull them out and one falls in the fudge and I'm trying to get the hazelnuts into the fudge and instead they all pour down into the stove element in a rattling finale. And still the Christmas music goes on.

So, I have to pour the fudge into the pan and hope for the best.  All the remnants are sitting there in the sauce pan and I have to eat it to prevent waste. I'm twitching from all the sugar in this fudge-eating daze and then this song comes on and it's that Can You Hear What I Hear song but it's sung by tiny children. With an echo effect. You know how children sing all close to the microphone and flat? It's not cute, it's just horrible. I suddenly feel like weeping and I'm just standing there with this fudge covered spoon in my mouth wondering what happened. There's no other way to describe it. Shit got real.

Cake Cake Cake

I ate so much cake this weekend. I'm not going to go into detail because it would be disturbing. No one should eat that much cake. But anyway, here is some documentation of the promised and much-discussed icecream cake. It was glorious.


This is more of an icecream log than an icecream cake. It was chocolate cake and cookie dough icecream rolled up, kind of like a giant Ho-Ho. I loved those things but my parents never ever bought them for me. We ate stuff like Fruit Leather.


Personalized with the name of my alter-ego. More of a "g" than a "q" but you get the idea.


The aftermath.

Coastal skating, cookies and cake

I just had one of those weekends. Gabe and Liz came over on Friday and we watched Aguirre the Wrath of God. It was so awesome. If you haven't seen it you should. Lots of long shots and building tension and incongruous action and some inexplicable slapstick near the end. I read about the filming process beforehand which made the whole thing even better.

Anyway, the next day Drew and Huy and I went out to the coast to do some skating. There were all these low clouds and fog in Portland, we couldn't see the top of the Fremont Bridge as we crossed it, and as soon as we got out of Portland the sun came out. Cannon Beach has a new park (I think they finished it last year) and it's small but fun, was completely empty when we got there, and I should have pictures but I always forget to take pictures because I'm skating instead. The only thing is that Cannon Beach requires helmets, so a lawman came by and kicked us out after a couple hours. We were walking down the street in search of food and came across this man in a top hat and a cape and he told us about free cookies and cider in the library so we went inside and it was true. And we sat in the children's section and ate little homemade cookies and cider served to us by women in bonnets, surrounded by books about the Bobbsey Twins and dinosaurs. It was amazing. And the woman serving tea told me this wonderful story about her daughter-in-law's christmas party but I have to tell it in person because I have to do the voice.

And then we walked down the beach for awhile and watched the birds and saw a man doing tai chi in front of Haystack Rock. And don't get me started on tai chi.

And then we went to Seaside to skate that park, which was also fun, but it was nearing the end of the day and I was tired and it was cold and there were some kids tearing it up, one who had a headband and an immaculate muscle car, he took a break to stand next to it and chug an energy drink, and then went and started whipping around the bowl again. And Huy filmed Drew in the bowl for one of his scumdays videos.

And then I went out with Heidi that evening and we went to Tony's game party and won a game of darts and tied in a fan dance competition (Tony has this enormous cloth fan and it was really fun to whip it open, it makes this great sound, and then wave it around in various ways). And then we went to a dance party and I was the only person wearing a dinosaur t-shirt. And we ended up eating at Holmans with all the drag queens.

And Sunday was my dad's birthday and Heidi and Charissa and I went out to my parent's place and my dad took us to Mike's tree farm (family friend) and got a tree for 834. We got a good one. Taller than us, but not too big and Heidi and Charissa cut it down like loggers and my dad stood there and heckled us. Which was okay because we had been heckling him earlier about being old. And according to him, figure skating is the last thing you will see before you die, and he would rather be punched to death than run over by a car.

And then we ate cake.