February 11, 2011

How to Pick Up Portland Girls IX

Valentine's Day is approaching. The pressure is on. You better not be single on February 14th because that means you will die alone with forty cats who end up eating half your face and the coroner will have to double check your identity using dental records. Oh no.

But it's okay. You're in Portland. There are many young single people here looking for love. You just need to stand out in the crowd. Here's how to do it.

Draw attention to your head (girls love guys in zany hats): 
 Remember fedoras, newsboys caps, those fuzzy Kangols? Instant style. You have two options in Portland.

Option 1: Yep. Just wearing a giant fuzzy arctic hat. Yeah, it looks like a raccoon died on my head and is just like, rotting here, but that's kind of the point. Someone could live off what's on my head for weeks. And I'm warm. And handsome.  And single . . . .


Option 2: Yep. Just wearing a tiny hat with a tiny brim that cyclists invented in France or something. I like cycling. Biking. Riding my bike. No, see, I flip the brim up because .  . . .  I'm not sure why. It actually completely obliterates the function of the cap. Did I mention I like bikes? And riding them?

Lure them in:
You know how pedophiles troll around in vans with tootsie roll pops and hand-held video game systems? Well, do this but for girls. Girls your age. I recommend carrying it all in a basket so everything's out in the open. Heart-shaped chocolate box, bottle of wine, variety pack of condoms, and a boombox for playing slow jams. This just doesn't happen enough in Portland. Guys need to be more obvious.

Say it in spraypaint or some other material:
There's a lot of great crappy graffiti in Portland. My personal favorite is Paulrus is Dead and I don't even know Paulrus. What if it was personalized? What if she started seeing propositions on every dumpster in town? Your name and hers in the middle of a heart impaled with an arrow right there under the Burnside Bridge. I mean, go big, appropriate a billboard. You don't need to stop at spray paint. Think blood. . . . on the windshield of her Buick Le Sabre. That's romance.


Kyle said...

Oh man, not Paulrus! He had so much going for him in life.

Oh and sad day about the LCD tickets.

Elizabeth said...

Nothing says love like a misdemeanor vandalism charge.

overtheorchard said...

A big white van toting a man with candy still doesn't sound appealing at my age.
Note: I would go for artsy vandalism though.

Rachel Wrong said...

What if the big white van had a mattress in the back?

Gentleman's Time said...

Dear Rachel,

While I'll be following your advice, can you please recommend some Valentine's Day activities that I can do ALONE that night in the event that I'm unsuccessful. I mean I could just stay home, watch The Notebook and listen to "Circles" by Mariah Carey on repeat as I cry myself to sleep but I already do that every night. Kthnx!

overtheorchard said...

Does the van have windows? No no no. If I have a man with a van, ok yes, bring on the mattress. If I do not know the man in the van and he is running around on v-day trying to entice ladies into the said van, please someone call 911. The effort is not appreciated.

Rachel Wrong said...

Okay, so maybe the van thing won't work in Miami, but so far I haven't heard any protests from the Portland girls. White van a-trolling it is!