May 18, 2011

Summer Thighs

Okay. So I totally hate shorts. I think they're unflattering. I have been on a crusade against shorts for years. This is mostly because they look horrible on me. I have the torso of a tall person and the legs of a short person, weird scars on my knees, and shaving intensely irritates my legs. None of these qualities are conducive to shorts-wearing. So I have to admit there is some jealousy mixed into my hatred of shorts.

And now that we are getting some sunshine in Portland, people have started dusting off their shorts, their rompers, and their spandex. I can't say that I'm celebrating. But as I biked home yesterday I mused on the future barrage of shorts and I thought, I need to accept shorts. They're not so bad. Maybe I should start wearing shorts this year, as an affirmation of life. I should stop hating.

And then I stopped at the light at 28th and Glisan. A server came out of the Lucky Inn with drinks for some of the derelicts sitting at the picnic tables. And she was wearing this.

Shorts that were basically underwear with suspenders attached + patterned maroon control-top pantyhose + ironic old lady orthopedic nurse shoes. The support portion of the hose (the opaque part) extended a good six inches past where the shorts ended. To which I say, SICK.

I took back my vow to accept shorts then and there.

What do you think about shorts? What do you think about control-top pantyhose as outerwear? Has a new movement begun?


Elizabeth said...

I will sign whatever petition you come up with that banishes shorts for the 98% of people they are unflattering on. I'm in this vast majority.

And control tops... are you sure she wasn't criminally insane?

Kyle said...

Man I am so dusting off my pairs of cargo shorts to flaunt in front of you ladies. Prepare your eyes for the glory!

alexis said...

Love the illustration.

I don't mind personally wearing shorts, but I prefer skirts in almost every instance. I can see your disdain for shorts wearers, though, things can easily go awry.

Rachel Wrong said...

I know that people enjoy wearing them and I will, at some point, wear shorts this summer. Sometimes you have to. But it does come down to the fact that a skirt looks nicer and leaves a bit more to the imagination. I can't even count the amount of times I've walked behind someone wearing shorts only to witness their shorts attempt to climb up inside them. Unfortunate, and probably not very healthy.

And then there's cargo shorts. Oh Kyle. Those deserve their own post.