August 25, 2010

How to Pick Up Portland Girls VI

Yet another installment. This one focuses on what to do after you have picked up your Portland girl and are actually attempting to date her.

Cater to your audience: This is a subtle art and relies heavily on the fact that you are an intelligent person capable of empathy and picking up on social cues. If the girl you are trying to date is an apathetic tea drinker obsessed with Sleep (the band, not the activity), she probably won't be excited about going to a Blazers game with you and being forced to high-five. In a similar vein, don't take the alcoholic punk-rock girl to the International Rose Test Garden and make her smell flowers and talk about her feelings.

Eat like an man: Portlanders love food. It's one of our things. Thus, Portland girls love food. We're all about variety, local products, weird strains of kale, hormone-free meat, Korean-Mexican fusion etc. So don't be surprised when we express shock and disappointment at your fridge filled with Kraft singles, white bread, month-old milk, and Bud Light Lime. We really like it when you cook for us, but not when it's Kraft singles-white bread sandwich dipped in month-old milk.

Be nice to old ladies: No, it's totally awesome that you can drink a six-pack of IPAs in one sitting, and that you have all these scars from when you used to punch windows, and that you once killed a rattlesnake with a throwing knife. We love dirtbags. So manly. But you should still be nice to old ladies, refrain from using your cellphone in restaurants, and politely request things from servers and bartenders.

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