Social People

While I still check Facebook on a fairly regular basis, it's become this half-hearted, automatic thing that I do because it's there. Like eating ice cream for breakfast. I do find the various types of Facebook people fascinating. The various levels of engagement, the styles of communication and posts, and their general online presence. Everybody has a few of these in their feed. It's up to you whether or not you block them.

Free Dating Service!:  If only it was. Then those random messages from people you didn't connect with when you were actually in their presence would make sense. The worst is when you aren't even sure who the person is and have to search their photos to figure out when you met them. Sneak daters love using Facebook to ask people out on non-dates. You know how I feel about sneak dates.

Model Hopefuls: I can't help it. I look at all their photos. Sometimes I wish I had a million softly lit photos of myself in dramatic makeup and a headdress standing in front of frosted winter trees or the ocean, but I don't. Points detracted if they have constant duck-face. These people always have friends who are super into them and all the comments are things like "hubba hubba, you are so beautiful, OMG hot, and that sort of thing. Unfortunately most of my photos are candid and therefore tend to be unflattering and the comments below are things like, Hahahahahaha or Who's that drunk guy in the background?

The Potentially Suicidal: Facebook is the new suicide note. Watch out for posts referencing meaninglessness, the fact that the person doesn't care about this or that, random dark poetic statements, the National lyrics.

ENGAGED: You know the ones. Suddenly every post is about  the fact that they're engaged, and multiple blurry cell phone photos of THE RING and wedding plans and THE DRESS, etc. etc. I think Facebook is a fine way to make an announcement to your friends but it can go overboard. A year and a half ago, when I was sure I would die alone and be eaten by my cats, these people would have filled my already black heart with arsenic. Now I just find it irritating. Same with the baby/kid people. You know who I'm talking about.

The Wronged and the Restless: I love these people. They take their personal grudges to Facebook and do all these super dramatic posts with loaded statements and veiled references. It's so fun to figure out who they're talking about. "So tired of being confused and wish people would just be straightforward." "Going out for a MUCH needed night with the girls." "Wishes some people would stop being so BULLSHIT." "Thinks anyone who loves the Clash is a misguided asshole who cheats on his girlfriend."