April 1, 2011

Big News!

I'm making some major changes in my life.

For one, I'm on the first day of The Master Cleanse. It's just cayenne, honey, and lemon juice for a while! So far I feel really great. Intestines are hopelessly inefficient and don't know how to deal with the stuff we put in them, like food and coffee and chewing gum. The Cleanse gives your body a chance to get rid of all the toxins and random stuff that it carries for no reason. Our colons are disgusting and lazy. So anyway, I will be on this for like, the next 20 days. If I seem different to you, it's because I'm Cleansing.

Also, I've adopted my neighbor's cat. I call him/her Kitty. I know it's kind of strange to take in a cat, and some people would call it stealing, but it always wants to come into our house and hang out! Why would the cat hang out all the time if he/she didn't want to live with me? I'm keeping it in my room so it doesn't try to go back across the street. Eventually it will forget that it ever lived there. There is now a litter box in the corner of my room but I stacked some shoes on it so it basically looks like a tall, slightly more odorous shoe-stand. I love him/her.

Finally, some of you guys are probably wondering why I would do something extreme like the Master Cleanse. I know there's all this hoopla about Beyonce using the Cleanse to lose 20 pounds for her groundbreaking role in Dreamgirls, so you guys are probably thinking I'm just trying to lose weight like Beyonce. Well, that's not true. I've been talking to these really nice guys who keep stopping by my house to hang out and help do my yardwork. They have convinced me that I need to give up things like alcohol and caffeine and become a better, happier person. We've been reading the gospel and learning about a man called Joseph Smith. He was basically like Jesus but a lot better because he's American. I have a bunch of immodest clothes that I'm giving away so if anyone wants my old hot pants pipe up now!  I can't wait to be baptized. Some of you may think this is crazy, but I'm really excited. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this or not, but when I die I'm going to live on a planet with my future Mormon husband and all our children and Kitty. Our own planet! In space! The afterlife can't get here soon enough.


alexis said...

Can anyone tell me what is the history behind April Fools Day? Because why is it so funny to make jokes on the first day of April? What's NOT funny about the 15th day of September? But Rachel, I do believe that you would do a cleanse. For something like 5 days. 20 though? And I also cannot believe that you have started stealing other people's pets in order to fulfill your a cat lady dreams...yet.

Please tell me it's all a mean joke. And not just for me, but for your neighbor's sake too.

Rachel Wrong said...

Ha! Sadly I cannot tell you the history behind April Fools Day. But this is all a joke. I would never do the Master Cleanse. Not even for one day. Maple syrup and cayenne pepper? Salt water? Diarrhea tea? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Kyle said...

oh you!

Caitlin said...

Why can't I just "like" Kyle's comment using blogger? Where is that button?

Jocelyn said...

I am very, very gullible.

shola said...

....so am i. i even sent an e-mail to uwe linking this post with the subject line "rachel's gone crazy"

Gabe Rodriguez said...

I just got online for the first time after 3 days at the coast, so I approached this like a shocked virgin having forgotten all about April foolery & immediately thrown by the very mention of the infamous Master Cleanse.

Then the cat, imprisoning a free-willed indoor/outdoor neighborhood wanderer and reasoning that destiny was making sure you & him/her are never to part.

And all the way into the third act, up until the mere mention of Joseph Smith derailed your train of lies lickity-split, I was detailing in my mind the talking points of the obviously essential intervention that would need to happen immediately.

Good one, joker.

Carin Berg said...

oh thank god! I knew u hated cats