Oh no they didn't

We're back in the velvet covered headquarters of American Apparel.


Two designers are sitting on the giant bed that serves as the room's only furniture. One is wearing athletic socks and briefs and sketching in a drawing pad. The other is sitting cross-legged with a laptop, large gold-frame glasses on the end of her nose. They are both smoking cigarettes. All signs point to the fact that they are involved.

Socks and Briefs: Who was your first crush?

Laptop: My  first crush? Um. Blake Green. He had freckles and this super-cute round face. He grew up to look like a pregnant elf.

S+B: Gross.

L: Yeah. Who was yours?

S+B: Ms. Griffin. My third grade music teacher.  She had like, really curly blond hair and blue eyes. She used to give us gummy bears if we were good.

L: Hot.

S+B: She always wore those flowy pants. You know the ones that looked like a skirt, but they were actually pants? Tribal patterns?

L: Those were totally bewildering. They were hammerpants without elastic in the hem. Not hot.

S+B: Are you kidding? They were like flowing rivers of ethnic fabric around her ankles. Seductive curtains for her shins. Always beckoning . . . .

L: Where are you going with this?

S+B: Well, we've done mom-butt denim and pleated pants, I think it's time we go in a new direction.

L: You want to do third-grade teacher pants? Aren't those basically long gaucho pants? All the sorority girls were wearing those a few years ago with their Uggs and raving about how comfortable they were. Sorority girls.

S+B: Gaucho pants! Those were pathetic imitations. They only extend past your knees. Bah! I want to be confused. I want to look at you and not be able to tell if you're wearing a skirt or pants. I want to be tortured. I want to be left wondering until you're walking away. I want to truth to strike like a thunderbolt.

L:  . .  . . . .

S+B: Once they go to production I want you to wear them. Those and nothing else.

L: I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

S+B: Just try it. And feed me gummi bears in bed. Then you''ll see.