July 6, 2010

How to Pick Up Portland Girls IV

The nice thing about Portland is that there is someone here for everyone. The myriad personalities/obsessions/lifestyles ensure that there is a lady out there that you can bond with over something. That something may be your vegan-Buddhist lifestyle, your tall bike, or a mutual love of Four-loko. That said, here are a few angles that have not seen much success in the field.

You are a teenage girl trapped in a male body: The new Twilight movie came out today? No, I didn't know that. No, I'm not into them. I mean, I've seen them. And I laughed. Yeah, I realize they were filmed in the Northwest. You're from the Northwest and you love them because of the scenery? Listen, Goonies was filmed here too. Just saying.

Hall and Oates: Man Eater is great song. Rich Girl is a great song. There are probably some other hits that I can't think of right now. I especially like the Man Eater video. Mostly for the cheesy fade-out editing effects. And that hair. But the fact that you played in a band that once toured with Hall and Oates is not working in your favor with the 30 and under crowd.

Sweating: From what I can tell, your interests are lawn games and sweating. I like lawn games as much as the next person. Croquet is great and sometimes I can be persuaded into throwing things and catching them (well, maybe not catching). But you are sweating so much that even the tops of your shoulders are sweating, like crazy sweat epaulets and it's freaking everyone out.

No comments: