How to Pick Up Portland Girls V

The fifth installment of an incredibly insightful series on finding love in Portland.

With Great Power: If you are in a band (like, a good band, not some amateur hour living room thing that covers Stone Temple Pilot) then you don’t need advice on picking up girls. Because they come to you. Same thing applies to professional athletes, artists, and maybe even the really good-looking baristas and bartenders at Portland hot spots. Is it a curse? Probably not. But the sort of girl that comes to you may not be the sort of girl you want to hang out with. No matter what, it’s in your best interest to be a considerate, responsible human being. A Portland girl scorned can be creatively vindictive and this town is just not that big. The last thing you want is hand-drawn posters of your horrible genital herpes posted on telephone poles all over the eastside.

Tattoos: Crucial Portland accessory. They won’t set you apart (unless you don’t have them), but like clothing and general demeanor they give people a jumping off point from which to characterize* you. Aesthetically there are several realms you can visit. The humor tattoo (ironic or otherwise): animals smoking bongs, random household objects, your face. The traditional tattoos: Often seen in sleeves, sailor stuff, Japanese koi, waves, flowers, death metal shit, etc. The tattoos with meaning: Something you got in remembrance of a moment, a person, a time in your life; could be your hometown and a phoenix rising from the ashes of said hometown. The tattoo parlor specials: straight off the wall and on to your arm, tends to be butterflies or tribal. I can say with confidence that a majority of Portland girls are not into guys with tribal tattoos. They just aren’t. It’s like tanning and hair gel. Doesn’t work here. I have also heard from someone with real-life experience that full sleeves makes you more appealing. I don’t really have any advice on the tattoo front but I don’t recommend getting full sleeves just to meet girls (you’re better off buying a puppy).

Bachelor Pad: Okay, let’s say you’ve managed to lure your subject back to your home. You probably asked her if she wanted to come over and watch a DVD. That’s fine. Whatever it takes. She knew what you meant. But let’s check the scene. Is the kitchen filled with a week’s worth of dishes? A 20-deep stack of various male-centric magazines on the back of the toilet? Have you been using newspaper as sanitary paper for the past week? Are there sheets on the bed? These things matter if you are looking for repeat visits. We like to be able to sit down on a piece of furniture in your home and not feel like we are about to be infected with something. We like toilet paper. I’m not saying it has to be spotless. I do not live in a spotless home. Most of my friends don’t either. But if you are having a lady friend over, you should give her the impression that you are a functioning adult, not a dirty little boy that masturbates every time you visit the bathroom.

*judge